Tales from the trenches

Waiters are pieces of shit.

What? Questioning the title are we? How, might you ask, can he say that when he is currently working as a waiter? I'll tell you why, because the unmannered customers make us that way. Coupled with the ungrateful restaurant owners and the surly chefs, waiters often have to submit to hours of denigration every day. Sure they (we) make a decent living, but it's a career that seems to bring out the worst in people. What, too harsh? I think not. I have a long and colorful history in the restaurant business, and there are limitless ways to avenge oneself with customers, owners and chefs. I would never dream of doing any of the things I am about to reveal, though I may have been guilty of such acts in the past.

The most delightful feeling is to punish a customer who has wronged you in some way. What ways? Well, snapping your fingers at a waiter will surely engender rampant hatred among the staff. Making a negative comment about the food as soon as the waiter serves it is another. Basically, any kind of complaining is frowned upon - complain with your pocketbook and don't come back, the waiter just wants to get through his/her shift. One of my unnamed friends had the finger rule wherein the customer's drink is swished with one, two or three of the server's (greasy, dirty, not recently washed) fingers depending on the severity of the rudeness displayed by the customer. And this my friends, is tame. I have personally witnessed an HIV positive server prick his finger and let blood drop into the customer's soup. In his defense, the customer was Pat Robertson, and the disease can't be transmitted that way, but still - even I was flabbergasted (yay, I finally got to work that word in - I've been trying for days).

Owners are often tight-fisted nazis who have a hard time turning a profit which lends them a desperate and at times bitter attitude. So waiters respond by stealing from them, thus keeping the whole disfunctional cycle going. Waiters will take money if at all possible, and if not, their houses are filled with restaurant glassware, silver, coffee, sugar and anything else that's unattended and not locked up. This happens less with *good* owners.

The best way to avenge a hateful chef is to complain bitterly about how you only made $180, when everyone else made more, just within earshot of said hateful chef. That and attach "see server" to every order you submit and encourage your customers to ask for special changes to menu items (chefs love this!).

Five more little tidbits. (I told you I like lists.)

1. If, coming from the kitchen, something falls off your plate, say one of the fried shrimp or a roll, the greatest likelyhood is that it will be brushed off and re-placed on the plate. Well, you're probably lucky if it gets brushed off.

2. Any plate that includes multiple items of the same character, such as french fries, calamari and the like, will likely be snacked on en route from the kitchen. Choosing a restaurant with an exposed kitchen cuts down on this.

3. If you do not tip well, you will be remembered. You will be subject to acts of vengence on subsequent visits.

4. Do not touch your waiter. You have been warned.

5. Getty cozy with the customer generates better tips. You are being played.

So there you have it, the first of perhaps, well, more instalments (how's that for commiting) on the dynamic world of food service. Possible upcoming post titles might include "How to steal a table in three easy steps" or even "Dirty hygenic secrets" wherein the true efficiency of toilet paper is indelicately revealed. Until tomorrow.