When news is both good and bad

One of the characters in our lives has died. If this were a movie, this would have been the character you were hoping would die, but in real life, it is decidedly more complicated. We arrived Sunday evening from Los Angeles to an airport choked with end of vacation travelers. The taxi line was at least an hour long so we took the bus to downtown and grabbed a taxi there. We arrived home later than anticipated and Spouse's mother and boyfriend were waiting in front of our house in the car with our dog. I ran over to their car as mother got out to greet us.

"Have you been waiting long?" I asked.

Mother in-law embraced me and burst into tears, heaving sobs into my chest. Something was wrong. This is the family of "non-emotional display" similar to my own, so there was no question but that something grave had occurred. After many years, I have learned that it is not important to ask "What's wrong?" in this situation, but it is important to squeeze, caress and hold someone in such a state to let them "let it out".

Nonetheless, by the time we got into the house, we learned that Spouse's brother had died. That mother in-law had just come from his place where she, with the police's help, had broken down his door to discover him dead and cold on his bed. He was 42.

We came inside and fired up the heat which we had turned down for the vacation. Mother in-law asked for something strong and we all had shots of tequila. Mother in-law's boyfriend smoked cigarettes though he had given it up long ago. Details were shared, questions asked, guilt lurking in the shadows everywhere. ( If you'll recall, the last interaction with brother was Spouse throwing him out of our house at the early Christmas celebration before vacation.)

While the men in the room were feeling relieved (and guilty for feeling this way), mother in-law had lost her child and was having a tough time of it. Strange, I took on the role of comforter, embracing her a few times, each of which elicited more sobbing. The other men didn't seem to know how to do this. Good thing I was there.

We will know more tomorrow, after the investigation and autopsy are completed (they are treating it as a potential crime) as everyone comes to grips with their mixed feelings about the matter. Except for Mother in-law, who is not mixed up - just grieving heavily for the loss of her firstborn. It is she who needs help right now.

As for me, I feel like rejoicing, not because someone died, but because a hopeless alcoholic has finally found a way out of his misery. That a family can now move through life without the baggage of this failed family member who caused them all so much grief over the years. That death is a natural occurence as magical and necessary as birth.

Goodnight Richard, we hope you have found peace. (Ok, there's a little welling up happening in my eyes now, best go.)