Apparently life begins now

Forty years ago today, my mother suffered a good bit to squeeze me through her loins. Since then, a number of events have shaped me to be who I am today. I can't really say which events played the biggest role, just that taken together, they have led me to this day and the incredible unimaginable life I'm leading right now. If you had told me that one day I would be speaking French and living in a foreign country, I wouldn't have believed you (French always scared the shit out of me) and yet, here I am.

I figure if I were wine, I'd be just about ready to drink right now. Twenty years ago I was far to young and bitter and at thirty some of my harsher edges had been smoothed, but today, finally, maturity.

That said, and to avoid descending into some sentimental morass, I give you:

Top Ten Reasons Turning 40 Sucks

10. People are more interested in your money than your looks.

9. It's no longer cool to smoke a joint.

8. Gray pubes.

7. A semi qualifies as hard.

6. Napping becomes involuntary.

5. You start smelling the way you remember grandpa did when you were young.

4. You tsk tsk the younger generation.

3. When you say something about David Bowie, younger people say, "Who's that?"

2. Your face starts looking like a roadmap.

1. When your ass hurts, it's not because of the hot sex you had, it's because of hemmorhoids.