Monday, July 24, 2006

The case of the missing poopy wipes

It's official, I have fallen in love with wet wipes.


Vegas cuisine, harsh as it is on one's plumbing, coupled with the desert climate make for some serious anal chapping with regular paper. I tend to forget the ass problems of yesteryear which is why Rebekah (in her infinite wisdom) brought a brand new box with her.

In Vegas, we had two rooms that connected. We only needed the one room, but since we had two, we designated the surplus room to be the pooping room. So Rebekah stationed the box of wet wipes on the top of the toilet tank there. It was wonderful, I must say. I learned what it is like to actually anticipate the cool wetness applied to my sphincter. (plus you can get a good feel for the land down there by slightly rubbing. you can't really do that with regular paper.)

Normally, the Vegas dump would consist of trepidation and wincing. But not this time. In love I am, with wet wipes.

On the second day in Vegas, imagine my horror upon entering the pooping room to find the box of wet wipes missing. Panic quickly ensued.

"Rebekah! Where's the wet wipes? Where did you put them?"

"They're on the back of the toilet, aren't they?"

We both frantically looked all over the rooms and bathrooms to no avail. Nothing. Vanished.

We decided that the maid must have accidentally swiped the wipes, thinking they were trash or something. We were aghast with the prospect of facing the bowl unarmed.

It was Rebekah who took action while I sat in the corner looking forlorn.

"Hi, I'm calling because there is a box of wet wipes missing from the room." Rebekah went on to describe the box in full detail while I imagine the housekeeping representative to whom she spoke couldn't stop rolling her eyes. I didn't think prospects were good for getting the wet wipes back so I couldn't even enjoy the humor of the moment.

A half an hour later, while getting ready to go out to the theater, Rebekah found the wet wipes in her suitcase. She was flummoxed as to how they had gotten there. (I, on the other hand, was not flummoxed at all - she had put them there.)

Rebekah called back housekeeping, and as though written for television, the lady answered, "So, did we find something in our room?"

Nonetheless, we were excrementally relieved, yuk yuk yuk.

35 comments:

nongirlfriend said...

Great photo! Welcome back, missed ya!

Rebekah is wise...the wipes have saved me many a time.

Rebekah said...

Oh the embarrassment of wrongful accusation. I still think the maid put those wipes in my bag.


ps: this is getting ridiculous. My word verification is,
btjxqixw

Sheesh

and it didn't take. New one:
fgagvybm

GayProf said...

I am not judging, but from the outside it seems like you think about scat-related-issues a lot. I am not sayin', I am just sayin'.

That aside, it sounds like you had a fantastic vacation!

Timmy said...

I love the poopy posts!

Great picture too!!!

JoeL said...

You two make a cute couple.

lol

Lemuel said...

travel tips from torn for the tush! :)

Spider said...

"I learned what it is like to actually anticipate the cool wetness applied to my sphincter."

I learned that lesson long ago before the advent of wet wipes... but now I guess I need to find a box to try... at least I don't have to buy the box dinner...

Spider said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mainja said...

shoppers drug mart has a life brand version that is nicely flushable (actual baby wipes technically aren't flushable...) that i was happy to find...

Patricia said...

i guess i'll know i've really "made it" when i, too, go on vacation and find myself fortunate enough to have a separate poop room

The Persian said...

LOL that post made me laugh, it could have been a crisis.

She actually called looking for them?

Wow on the photo, you are just so incredibly goodlooking!

:)

Polt said...

Excrementally relieved.....BWAHAHAHAHA...toilet humor, who can resist it???

Wet Wipes, eh? I MIGHT have to invset in some, just to try it....

Not sure, (and I canNOT believe I'm asking this) but is this in addition to or in place of the regular tp?

Just askin........(oh the shame)...

tornwordo said...

It's for the final "touch". You'd be surprised how dirty you are even after the regular toilet paper appears "clean".

CoffeeDog said...

Only thing about the wipes is your bung hole walks around a tad bit on the wet side for a few. It's those first few wet moments after you pull up your pants that are sorta icky. I guess one could use TP in the last stage wipe to insure all is dry though....hmmm I am thinking out loud here...YES that's it, one final wipe with TP to properly dry said bung hole will do. Wet Wipes it is, bring them on!

Flummoxed lol

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

I'm of the opinion that a blast of mildly warm air afterward is the ticket. That's mildly warm air moving toward my sphincter from the outside, not the inside, mind you.

St. Dickeybird said...

Yes, wetwipes are brilliant. Wifezilla and I have 2 boxes under the bed.
:)

Ed said...

I use the Cottonelle Wipes with aloe, so soothing and refreshing. Why is it that only gays seem to care about keeping skid marks away? If you learned nothing else from your trip, at least you found the incredible ass wipes.

MEK the Bear said...

They are simply the best thing to remove make up too. I don't know how many boxes of those things I've gone through in my life, and most of them were used on my face.

Snooze said...

I love wet wipes too. They're also great for when you're on the rag. Well, obviously you are never on the rag, but for the girls.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Ah, I love them myself. I'm glad to read others do, too. I thought I might be a freak.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Hey, I scrolled down a bit. You guys make a handsome couple. Will and that other gay fella from Will and Grace ain't got shit on you two.

Bugsy (aka Joe) said...

My, my. Whatever did we do without wet wipes?

Mark in DC said...

I think this story's full of shit. (Yuk yuk yuk...)

Mark

Pete said...

Why not try water hose instead?

Chunks said...

Not one person even notice that Rebekah has had a cut and color since her profile pic. And she seems to look way less demented! :) Oh Torn, how I've missed your shitty blog entries! (You are the only person I know who talks about poop more than I do!)

Oh and I had a dream last night that I flew to Montreal and met you and Spouse. How bizarre!

Adam said...

Yes!! You are converted! Butt wipes are ESSENTIAL!

The Lone Rangers said...

Wet wipes?? PULEASE!!

Actually I'm a Charmin man myself...very brand particular!

Sunshine said...

Wouldn't that feel kinda ... wet? :P

David said...

I don't know if wet wipes are superior to things like Tuck pads, which I was prescribed once, but I actually hated them. The dampness that remained after I did my business gave me a rash and I was relieved (no pun intended) when I could return to using regular paper.

Kevin said...

Yes, I too am a fan. I don't always use them, but when I do ...

LOOK OUT!

dirk.mancuso said...

Welcome back -- you were missed!

Wet wipes, huh? Another thing to add to my "Things to do before I die" list...

Steven said...

You mentioned unneeded waste in your next post (the headset and shampoo bottle phenom), then you talk about using wet wipes like they're TP?

Now that's a load of crap going down the tubes.

madamerouge said...

until bidets are routinely available in North American bathrooms, the wipes are an essential

epicurist said...

Love poopie wipes too! Great pic of you and rebekah!

La Sequencia said...

greatest invention since the corn cob, i'm tellin' ya.

(and honey, i'm so glad to know that there's at least one person out there as weird as i.)

cheers!