Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I'm scared to open the box

Directions for use: Apply freely morning and night and after each bowel movement. Lubricate applicator before each application and thoroughly cleanse after use.

First of all, freely isn't quite the concrete kind of word I would expect for "medication". I suppose it's something like "liberally" which I can get down with. If the BM is in the morning, does that also count as the morning application?

What the hell is an applicator? How do you lubricate it? (Oh wait, I learned that one in Brokeback Mountain. They must mean spit.) And is that so you don't have to use your own fingers? I think I'd rather just wash my hands after and do away with the whole "removing the excrement from and cleansing the applicator" part.

Shall I have spouse make a video of this?

20 comments:

Lemuel said...

I think an "instructional" video would be most helpful. (**grin**)

BTW, I think they make suppositories, similar to little solid "plugs", that are not as messy as the cream.

I am seriously feeling for you. I've suffered from what I think you are suffering from and they are not at all pleasant! When the ads say "pain and itch", they mean pain and itch! And they take the joy out of a number of other more pleasant activities. **eg**

Sunshine said...

Hmm ... I don't get it. What is this medication for?! ...I don't get it.

JoeL said...

I have to get them tied and the fall off. Th "cream" you mention doesn't work.

Really bad pain for a week after. Sometimes there is no position that doesn't hurt!?

Get the sup!?

nongirlfriend said...

Eek.

Spit as lube. Fascinating concept.

How was the first day back at work?

St. Dickeybird said...

Have Spouse apply it for you - a new erotic game!

Or yes, make a video.

Rebekah said...

Okay... here's the thing:

Forget the lubricator, you're right. It's gross to clean off, and it's not too acurate. However, the finger is rather gross too. I know you were joking about the spit. You were joking, right?

Here's the secret--use a clean bit of toilet paper, put the cream on the toilet paper,and then, um, wipe it where you need to wipe it.

Yes, I have done this before.

Still, it won't work very well. You need the 2% stuff from the doctor.

Jason said...

I'm with joel on this one.

Ed said...

I think the only applicator that will work is a wire brush. That way the Hemmoroids will be torn off and the Prep H can say it sorta works. Canadians have free health care so go get your moneys worth and see a Doctor. A video about applying Preparation H would be hilarious!

Patricia said...

i think you've gone 'round the bend!

holy moly what the hell!

i just know you were grinning when you posted this. that's the frightening part.

god help you when you come back as a woman. but i hope i'm around to read your blog :P

Timmy said...

the supositories (sp?) from the doctor work best. FYI

Butchieboy said...

Constipation? Try applejuice.

Chunks said...

A nurse told me once that prepping a man for a hemmroidectomy was the most disgusting part of her day. Just sayin'.

Good luck with your poop chute!

Doug said...

*eyes shut*
*hands over ears*
la la la la la la la lalalalalala

The bizaare thing is, the idea of a video is strangely intriguing.

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Are you having these difficulties because of returning to work?
I love it when you threaten to get scary with us. I feel like a little boy saying, "Tell me a scary story, Unca Torn, but you have to let me snuggle."

GayProf said...

After all these years as a gay man, you are telling us that you don't know how to get some cream up your bum? I find that hard to believe.

Hope you feel better, though.

Normlr said...

You could always try one of those hot dog stand-style condiment containers. You know, the red, yellow, or white ones with the eensy teeny weeny tip. Just make sure you lable it. And don't keep it near food.

dawn said...

Please. No video.

I think I prefer the depressed blogs to the blogs about your arse.

However, maybe the hemmroid blogs will grow on me. Pun totally intended.

Spider said...

Yea - this is WAY more information than I could even need... maybe just use rubber bands...

David said...

Good Lord in Heaven and all the saints and angels. That was so much more info than I needed.

Kalvin said...

This sounds like some sort of strange suppository, and if so, you absolutely MUST make a video. Suppositories for all!