Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Lollapapoopza

So I'm getting a reputation. A pooputation if you will. Seems my adolescent fixation on the scatological is making others think about me when they stumble upon poop-related things. After last week's discussion, I learned of new products. There's the special "Butt" and "Face" labeled towel with color coding for the illiterate. (I need this.) I also learned about a special kind of toilet, that basically hoses you down so you don't have to wipe. There's even a blow drier on it. It's like a carwash for the butt. (I'm curious, but I'd have to test drive before I plunk down the thousands necessary for such a contraption. There are several dealers nearby I saw.) Oh and yesterday, I see that Summer went shopping and thought of me. Seems there's a "What's your poo telling you?" Calendar. I imagine it's quite informative. I can't imagine it's more informative than "Understanding your Bowels" which has been passed on according to tradition to Roxanne. (Still, I want the calendar.) And then I get the odd email showing a poop related video, in fact this one was sent to me three times. It's fun, but let's make one thing clear: it's only for fun and not sexual in any way. It's gross, but that's why I find it funny.

Take yesterday for example, I was reading Bob's yer uncle and he mentioned the husband having gone out to a Chinese massage therapist/herbalist for a consultation. Seems a dried feces blockage was diagnosed. I tried to imagine how that was discovered by the therapist. I had to leave a comment of course since I was curious. This is the response I got:

apparently, during the massage she noticed blockage.

have you seen the results of a good colon cleansing? I got all interested last night and it's, um, interesting. One site says that you should be having two good movements a day, the first being "well formed and 1.5 to 2 feet long." I just can't imagine a couple feet of shit coming out of me at one time. And yet I'm oddly intrigued ....

http://tuberose.com/Colon_Health.html

http://www.blessedherbs.com/?sp=internal-cleanse&s_cid=colon%20cleanse_774_40_001&

happy blogging

xx

I hope you at least clicked on that first link. Even I gasped, but then the curiosity set in. Scroll down and read about how to do a "High Enema" all by yourself. Oh my but I could foresee some smelly accidents during that procedure. Scroll even further so you can see "Nature's Platform" which lets you poop more naturally, apparently. Now the second link is just priceless. Smiling faces next to the picture of their own poo that they sent in after they used the colon cleansing regime. I can't think of a more convincing testimonial than proudly sending in a picture of your face along with the most horrific excremental shapes that you've expunged. Go ahead, you know you want to see.

26 comments:

Mel said...

I think I've come across that Blessed Herbs site before, though I don't really know how or why. Of course, it's bad enough that people are picking their poo up with sticks, but what about the tongs? Or the colander? Or "Linda from the USA", who appears to be picking it up with her bare fucking hand?! I'm thinking I wouldn't want to go to dinner at any of their houses.

Of course, I haven't shared with you my favorite t-shirt. They loved it at the hardware store when I was wearing it last week.

Snooze said...

They show those same weird poo shots from the first link in every poo health site. I think that's a complete anomaly! If you are a reasonably healthy person, your colon works just fine on its own. And now I'm off to drink my chocolate rice milk which doesn't seem quite as yummy after those pics.

Birdie said...

Not a chance. Have a nice day. :-)

Anonymous said...

I may check out the links but after breakfast thank you. I'm having Sausage links and although any similarity may be a coincidence I may have to pass and just eat cereal. Thanks Torn. ed

Patricia said...

What Birdie said :)

David said...

Birdie, Patricia and I all are in agreement. We leave you to your own devices.

Today's word verification: flagag.

Peter said...

That YouTube commercial made me almost pee my pants from laughing.

The word verification too: pightsi [pronounce: pigsty?]

Brice said...

You might get a kick out of the video clip i posted today. Sicko.
:P

latt├ęgirl said...

I am SO not going to look.

I'd rather see updates at rotten.com

Roxrocks said...

I looked. I also read the testimonials. I think it's hilarious that these people "weren't hungry on a five day fast." Yeah, no kidding. Crapping out aliens five times a day might ruin your appetite!

The poop collander was the grossest though, I mean, would you eat pasta at HIS house?! Yowza!

Apparently, judging by that website, there ARE people more poop obsessed than you! LOL

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

From other information I've read, the colon cleansing is largely a sham. The cleansing materials usually involve some form of clay or a similar material, and the long, bizarre stools that come out are made up almost entirely of that material. So it's basically a make-your-own-weird-stool kit. Which may appeal to you, and if so, go for it.

It's a lot like the ear candle hoax. People think the ear candles are removing toxins from them, and they think that what's remaining inside the candle at the end is the evidence. But if you burn the candle on its own, outside of the ear, you find the same residue.

Petie said...

If the 'washlet' is what I think it is, this think has been use in Japan for quite sometime now.

The deal is that once you are done, you press the button on the panel and a stick will come out from the seat and spray water.

I think you would need decent water pressure and make sure you move around a bit to make sure it's clean.

Or, Again, visit Bangkok and buy the washing hose and spend only about 200 baht a set :P

Phronk said...

Yeah, all this stuff is complete, uh, bullshit. Our digestive systems have worked just fine for millions of years without eating clay and pooing out black snakes of it. Unless there is a medical problem, in which case, see a doctor rather than an herbalist/therapist (do they give degrees for that? :) trying to sell something.

That lock video was hilarious.

Your past posts inspired me to look at my butthole in the mirror for the first time yesterday. Surprisingly, I'd never done that before.

don said...

Awww. Don't worry Mr. Pet Sauce. We know there are other feces, I mean facets to your personality. Although I did think of you when I saw this

don said...

Oops. wrong URL. Here it is: http://failblog.org/2008/12/16/toilet-fail-2/

Patrick said...

Yeah, probably skipping the links too, but thanks for the offer. You'll be glad to know that as I was showing the Midnight Gardener one of my local walks on Sunday, we dodged a whole lot of Canada Geese feces, then went near a sewage treatment plant, and he mentioned that this walk would probably be a bit hit with you. So yes, we do have some scatalogical associations with you. Like Don said though, poop is not the ONLY thing we associate with you.

Jen said...

In nursing I see alot of poo. I have to say that even post-appendectomy-loaded-with-antibiotics poos look healthier than those testamonial poos. That's not healthy shite.

I'd totally agree with the commenter above that the poos in question have some sort of forming agent. If it's clay it's more likely to bung you up beyond any healthy function unless you are religiously drinking the 14 cups of rosehip tea or whatever they are selling you. Otherwise, the osmotic force of the clay could dehydrate you and send your electrolytes totally out of whack. I suppose Milk of Magnesia (pretty much liquified magnesium salts) would do the same trick, but you only take a couple of tabs/spoonfuls at any one time (with a large glass of liquid), not repeatedly over days. Nuts.

A healthy, fibre-filled, well hydrated poo is NOT pick-up-able with tongs. Gross.

anabel said...

Gross! The second blessed herb link was the worst. Still makes me wonder what might be lurking.....

Mark in DE said...

Dear sweet baby Jesus!!! You've got it worse than I'd imagined!

Enemy of the Republic said...

My son has this issue as well. I think it is a sign of good mental hygeine in a male. You go, Torn! (Oh, that came out wrong--oh darn, so did that!)

Frank B said...

I'm casting my vote with the skeptics, but with this caveat: the gut is the original 'garbage in garbage out' machine. Most of us do not eat enough veg, or fibre. I'm not advocating anything like a vegan or vegetarian diet, but oatmeal isn't that bad a thing to eat, and if it is then a glass of powdered fibre a few times a day should be the answer. I lowered my cholesterol by a great deal by just eating more fibre.

GayProf said...

I just can't take a look at the photos. I am not sure why, but I just can't do it.

Luuworld said...

i'm very fascinated (in a good way) by this shit (no pun intended)

Laverne said...

I'm at work... no way am I looking.

I'm still recovering from the trauma of that 2 girls 1 cup video.

ew.

Greg said...

Yes, Patrick is right. We think of you in many other fine contexts, beyond All This...but I'm not following any links, thanks.

And yes, goose poop made us think of you...and not just cause they're from Canada, eh?

Lyvvie said...

They make portable Toto toilets too!!

http://tinyurl.com/2bh79u

A friend of mine swears by it.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=HM4nP7khZ5k&feature=channel_page

He also shows you his own Toto washlet in his house in the youtube link.