Before I met John I had already had a two year relationship with Pablo. A couple of years after John, Pablo and I gave another go at it and spent 4 more years together. He was my first (and third) boyfriend. I had "fallen in love" with him, lived with him and a couple years in, he cheated on me (which hurt like hell) and I insisted we split up. When I started going out with John, Pablo seemed to be very rankled as though it was alright for him to go off having flings but not me. Somehow, I got more attractive to him once he found I had feelings for someone else. I think we were both a little immature to be shacked up at 18 (looking back anyway) but we did exercise those heady feelings of the love at the beginning, the stagnation that comes with familiarity (if you let it) and finally the deceipt, betrayal and separation. So why was it so different with John? I honestly don't know. It is as if there is a different kind of love, more powerful than the run-of-the-mill "falling in love", which I would call Poisonous Love. You know, it's what Glenn Close had in "Fatal Attraction". Well, that's what I had, and it's a good thing I don't have a murderous bone in my body.
Here's a couple Glenn Close moments I remember. It is so shame filling to admit that I did these things. We had been together less than a month when I had to work the evening shift and he went up to West Hollywood with Joe. When I got home, I rang him and there was no answer. I called every ten minutes or so until the morning and there was never an answer. This is long before cell phones. I was convinced that he had cheated (already) just like my last. (I'm chuckling now, because in fact, he had) The next day I went to his house, and there was a guy there who had "just stopped by" and was visibly shaken by my presence. My peabrain did not want to connect the dots, but in reality this guy was just leaving from the night over and the phone had been unplugged. Another time, I took his house key "by mistake" and then rummaged through his apartment while he wasn't there. I didn't find any evidence except a card, ready to mail to an old friend up in San Francisco. I steamed it open with his vintage teapot and read it. The only line I remember was, "My love life is pretty much on the back burner for now." Of course I couldn't admit that I had done this. But oh how painful to read those words from the person I was poisoned with love over. God I was such a fucking idiot.
The rest is just ugliness. It was okay for a month or two more and then he basically came out and said he was cheating on me, and that he would totally understand if we broke up. (I had caught him in a lie when he confessed - with tears!- though I can't remember what the lie was) I instantly (fool!) forgave him and begged him to give it another try. A couple weeks later he told me those dreaded words - that he wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore. After he told me in person, I pleaded with him to give him one last blow job (so unbelievably humiliating to remember- though I do remember it) before I left, and he "let" me. Then I began a period of the most intense emotional pain that I have ever experienced. And it probably saved me from dying that the universe had just plopped em into my life.
24 comments:
Oh sweetie I have been in those shoes too. Psycho and crazed over love...stalkerish. What made it even worse was she was also psycho an crazed - a deadly mix when both parties are crazed. In the end she wasn't worth it, have not seen nor spoken to her in 7 years.
We live and learn and grow up, don't we!
I'm firmly convinced that all of us are effin' idiots at some time in our life. Some of us mature enough to admit it and to learn from it. We go on, scarred with the pain, to live and to love again, perhaps to find our Spouse. :)
Your earlier escapades prove the old adage: "Youth is wasted on the young." and the Amish saying, "Too soon old, too late smart." I think we can all look back and say what a fool I was, if only I knew then what I know now. Now you've found your true heart and you have matured enough to appreciate it. May you have many years together with Serge. That's what real love is all about.
I think we've all been there in one way or another.
The worst thing about going through someone's personal belongings looking for "evidence" is what to do once you find it. If you say something you look bad and lose all leverage. If you don't, you'll end up hating the person even more. It's a no win situation. Better off not knowing as far as I'm concerned, however crappy that may be as well.
The stupid things we do when we're young and "in love."
Oh Torn, I just love you for sharing this.
We've ALL done similar things in love, stupid, dumb, irrational things that at the time feel completely normal. It's what makes us human.
Thank God for Em, because I have a feeling she pulled your right out of this.
This made me cry. You have such courage to write of this in the way you have.
Praise the goddess for the Ems of this earth. I have one, too ... and without her, I wouldn't be who I am today.
i love these kinds of stories, it makes me keep coming back, which i do anyway, but it's still great!!!
I think that most of us have been there sometime. The first time you fall really hard for a guy is the sweetest and most bitter of experiences. Maybe it's not bitter if the guy is in the same situation, but usually, if it's your first time, it isn't his, so there's just no way he can be as vulnerable as you.
We all get over that and become wiser and less vulnerable, but we lose something in the process.
You made me remember that I was coming off of Brian and how I had been stalking him all over socal leaving white roses on his car. Good lord. (The pain.) We saved each other, and it was about time.
It's weird that I feel such fondness for John, even though it is true that he was cruel. I loved that he was without a thought that wasn't about himself. He was so pleased at his own beauty. I think I envied that simplicity.
I know I already told you this, but I adore you for writing this.
That sort of crazy, intense love. It's like crack and you capture it well.
Do we get to find out how he died?
It seems like part of the "craziness" resulted, in part, from his dishonesty. It's hard to be rational in a relationship if you think that you are playing tennis and, meanwhile, the other person is off playing golf. Also, John seemingly did not appreciate the intensity of your emotions or respect them.
As for steaming open his mail -- uh, wow. I didn't even think that actually worked.
My old wounds seep slightly from reading this. We've all had those psycho moments. Where your rational mind is fighting with the tightly wound knot of instinct that makes you feel slightly sick. You question yourself, thinking "Am I going crazy? Am I paranoid...pathetically insecure?" That is the worst part, I think. The second-guessing of your own sanity and the crapping away of dignity as you soil yourself into a kind of servitude. You lose all tethering.
Never again. (sighs)
Oh, and I am not at all surprised that the universe bestowed you with better people - it just has a WAY of doing that, doesn't it? The right people come to us... they really do. The heart transmits.
Man, like the others have said, haven't we all been there? Crazy the shit I did as a kid in my late teens/early 20s.
Butcha know, if all this hadn't happened with John, would you be the same person you are today? Maybe so, maybe not. Maybe in the end, all these stupid, embarrassing, humilating, stuff we did in our youth helps make us the better person we are as we mature?
HUGS...
mmm can't think of anything to say..apart from keep the stories of real life coming, thank god for friends in times of need.
sounds real tough :>)
mmm can't think of anything to say..apart from keep the stories of real life coming, thank god for friends in times of need.
sounds real tough :>)
great story. keep them coming. been in these shoes several times i feel for you.
Sometimes the most intense pain experienced in situations like this, is the pain we willfully inflict upon ourselves. Been there, done that, Torn.
And yeah, I've begged to give one last blow job, too.
Big hugs for sharing this. I know it wasn't easy, but a lot of us are going to feel better about some of the silly things we've done in the name of love.
The "goodbye sex" is a strange phenomenon, like we want it to last forever, we want it to make the pain go away, and when it's done, we instantly regret it.
I did that. I don't know how I did it with someone I momentarily hated, but I did it.
Ahh, the craziness of love and life. The ups and downs. The ins and outs. I am loving your writing, your heart, and the way you're sharing with us. it's awesome
It took a lot for you to write about the goodbye sex, I know. Bob stole my car and most of my clothes and I was so head over heals in love that I gave him a blow job when he returned my stuff three months later. I have never told anyone that.
By the way my "Serge" (who I met two years later) and I have been together for 24 years.
God we are all crazy when we are in love with someone we can't have. Thank the lord there were no rabbits nearby, who knows what you would have done...
I guess that first love experiences are more universal than I ever knew. Boy can I relate to your "stalking", pleading and final act of humiliation. The worst part, I think that I would do it all over again, given the chance.
Kevin
I stayed blotto drunk for a solid month. Then I cried. I died inside.
Post a Comment