The first time I met him, I was hypnotized by his beauty. It was impossible to express that since my friend Joe was dating him. Actually, dating isn't really the right word. Joe was a self-proclaimed virgin and bisexual on the edge of coming out and considering making John his first foray into gay. They had been doing the flirty dance for some weeks, so I quickly quelled any dirty thoughts on my end.
This was very difficult the first time I was invited to a BBQ at John's where he unabashedly pranced around in his speedos all afternoon. ( To this day, no one will compare to how he looked in those.) At the end of that evening, John, a little liquored up, told me that Joe and he were not going to happen. Joe wasn't ready yet. The way my heart soared at the news should have been my first hint to get the hell out of there, and I did manage to stammer an, "Oh I'm so sorry, that's too bad, " before I left, my mind racing with what-ifs.
If it had only gone no further, I would be able to remember the sweet arms of possibility wrapped around me that night. But the subsequent events would effectively block out most of my positivie experiences during this time. I'm sitting here trying to uncover the million layers of girief to remember our first encounter together, and yet I cannot. In fact, I can only grasp little shards of images of us in bed together, a force stronger than love having dimmed the memories so much, I could probably be convinced it was all a dream.
Unfortunately, it was not.
(to be continued)
24 comments:
Oooh, a juicy one! I'm on the edge of my seat.
Keep going!
It's amazing how subsequent events colour everything - good or bad.
wow .... a total cliff hanger .... love it (but it doesn't sound like it ends well)
What snooze said. I mean, the first events happened, but we can never remember them quite like they were.
oh gawd, do carry on
You're so right about grief. It does contain a million layers, and some of them at times do block out everything else. I'm looking forward to reading the "to be continued".
AHHHH! "to be continued" drives me crazy!~
YAY! Oh boy! How beautifully you are starting, I love the "sweet arms of possibility".
I can't wait for the rest of the story. Does John change his name to Serge? I hope this isn't a three parter. LOL.
Is the hurt around friendships, sex and gay men more painful than the rest of the public? I don't know. But I do remember taking action that toppled me to the ground and left me with fewer friends. The stupidity of my youth has a body count. I'm sure that most can relate.
kb
yes...please continue
While I know I don't speak from experience, my gut reaction is that people who are currently in happy long-term relationships have no right to be bitter about ex-loves. Yes, I'm sure the memories still sting, but since you and Serge have what is probably the envy of 90% of the gay world (and 40% of the straight) my sympathies are somewhat tempered. Of course, I still anxiously await the next installment.
This story has all the earmarks of pain and pathos. As you share it, I hope it helps to bring healing.
"Ah, na na na/
As real as it may see-ee-eem/
It was only in my dreams..."
With regards to David's comment, may I amend the figure for straight people to about 90% as well. Not so sure, however,that current happiness undoes past pain...
Torn! You're killing me over here! I can't wait to hear the rest of this story!
I love these little stories you do. Like little windows into your mind.
please keep going!
I love those heart soaring everything is possible feeling of almost flirtation and need. *sigh*
I could really do with an unfulfilled crush right now...
I hope it ends ok, I love a HEA.
I worry that this is going to be very painful -- but I am keenly interested to know the path that you have taken through it.
Blogging cliffhangers... c'mon, out with it!! :P
Wow! I'll be back!
Ooooo. Good stuff. Very good fodder...
Memmmmmmmmory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
err, sorry, i can't wait, hurry hurry!
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