Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Tp update

When we bought this place last year from Pornstar, we inherited some things that he left behind in the garage. Mostly, it's crap that we have gotten rid of little by little. Do you remember the toilet paper? There are boxes and boxes of commercial sized toilet paper. Each box contains four giant rolls. We are on our third roll now, because it takes us 11 weeks to go through a roll. I made an inventory yesterday and counted 22 boxes. So let's see. 22 boxes times 4 rolls times 11 weeks. Hmmm. 968 weeks. There are 52 weeks in a year so a little over 19 year's worth of toilet paper sits in the garage.

How much would we spend on toilet paper over 19 years? By my calculations, around $1000. So I guess I should be thankful for the gift. Still, I wonder how 19 year old toilet paper is going to feel down there. Maybe time will actually soften it up. Let's hope so.

28 comments:

Ed said...

Do you think it might be worth buying a dispenser to hold those large rolls? They had better not get rougher with age since they are like sandpaper to begin with. A thousand dollars over 19 years sounds like a bargain to have soft comfort down there. Every time I used that roll I would remember nude dancer and grit my teeth.

art said...

I was thinking the same thing. If it's gonna be around for that long, it's maybe ok to put in a dispenser now. It's pretty and all sitting on the table, but I wouldn't want to use something that everyone else has to keep picking up to... well... you know.

Snooze said...

I would give them as Christmas gifts. That will save you even more money

St. Dickeybird said...

Wrap trees and cars at hallowe'en.
And in 19 years, do you think "down there" will be able to feel the difference between soft and rough paper?

Polt said...

In 19 years, 'down there' could be encased in an adult diaper...you think you're gonna care about toilet paper at that point in time? :)

HUGS...

CoffeeDog said...

Could you imagine TP'ing someone's yard with those? One wrong move you'd get bonked on the head - LIGHTS OUT! Folks would wake up the next day - Hey why is Tornwordo laying in our yard? Hope he's ok, call 911, quick! 911 arrives about the same time you come out of your TP coma. News vans follow. Headline News : Up next, the man who fell out from too much toilet paper.

Lacey said...

Oh what a lot of crap!

Rebekah said...

You so funny.

Chunks said...

You could have a blog contest and send the winner a roll of TP or four.

I wonder what your guests think when they come over and see that jumbo roll? "Wow, these two really must shit a lot!" hahah!

bardelf said...

I would definitely invest in some sorta dispenser for them. That's an unbelieveable amount of tp!!!

Lewis said...

In 19 years, when we're all still here and have grown old together, we'll check out your ass and see. Maybe it'll be soft and supple.

latt├ęgirl said...

I'm new to the TP story... why did he have so many boxes of jumbo TP in the first place?

Cooper said...

I would donate it all to a shelter or some place. That stuff is scratchy! Alternately you could borrow my one year old baby for a day ... he can unravel half a roll in less than a minute.

Devo said...

I guess 19 year old tp is okay, just as long as it doesn't get all pretentious and know it all on you, and then continue to bring you its laundry for the next 5 years.

Patricia said...

omg you actually calculated how long it would last. there is no detail of poo that isn't worth your attention. i don't know whether to be impressed or horrified.

David said...

Did you account for inflation in those projections? I bet you will save even more. I bet if you get one of those paper towel holder stands that sit on a countertop, and dropped the paper rolls on them, that would work just as well without the expense of a proper industrial dispensor.

I'm sure if you keep the paper dry and safely stored, it will keep quite nicely.

GayProf said...

I am with Cooper -- Consider donating it elsewhere. Doesn't your bum deserve a little comfort?

Given how rapidly regular paper degrades if the acid hasn't been neutralized, I doubt it will last you twenty years. Maybe at year ten you can assess the situation again.

Curtis said...

My mother used to always say, "never buy cheap shoes or use cheap toilet paper. You always have regrets."

It is a novelty, however. Wonder where he got the stuff?

Enemy of the Republic said...

Oh, those huge rolls that hurt. Yeah, give them as gifts at the next office party.

Sunshine said...

This is hilarious. LOL. Just as well he didn't leave 19 years worth of condoms. :P

Anonymous said...

I really enjoy your blog.. a few weekends ago I actually went through the archives (I think I was intrigued by your awful stripper/druggie tenant story.
I think you're smart and funny..

Please don't think me a troll. But you discuss crapping an awful lot.

It recurs often in the year of posts I went through..I mean, often.

And recently your video blog of the hudson hotel features you demonstrating how the toilet is uncomfortable..

Lol, I don't have a point. Just, it recurs! It's funny that's all.

abnitude said...

maybe you can bid on being a toilet paper supplier for some chain of fast food restaurants...then you can go back to the soft stuff and keep your bottoms happy.

Mark in DE said...

And such an attractive display! It looks like that roll is just dying to roll right off that stand and throughout your home, wasting literally days worth of wiping.

Kevin said...

Think....

EBAY!!!!!

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

I hate that commercial toilet paper.
In nineteen years you'll have worn off all the nerve endings down there.

mainja said...

I had the same thought as Cooper and Gayprof as I was reading this. If it were me I'd donate it to a local shelter, I'm sure they could use it, and my ass is well worth the expenditure of $1 per week to keep it comfy. ;) (and, really, only 50 cents per week per person...)

Steven said...

Maybe you're not using enough toilet paper per "session?" I hope you haven't taken Sheryl Crow's suggestion that she made recently that we use only one square sheet per sitting. :-)

Steven said...

At least it wasn't a shitty gift.

Ba rah BUM!