Friday, September 16, 2005

The M & M story

Warning: Pictures will be graphically painted, the folks may want to skip this one.

It is 1984, there are four of us in a hotel room in Lake Tahoe. I am with my then boyfriend Pete. Dan and Mia are there too, none of us a day over 20. It is winter, and as underpcapitalized college students, alcohol figures heavily in the weekend. (We had ways of getting alcohol, underaged as we were.) During the weekend, a big storm comes and buries the town in snow, and we find ourselves more often than not amusing ourselves in the hotel room. (free, a perk for working as a busboy at the Hyatt)

Steeped in debauchery one night, snowfall stamping out the world outside, the topic turns to tricks we can do with our bodies. Mia declares that she can make "pussy farts" at will. We all find this fascinating and coax her to demonstrate. While we squeal with horrified laughter, Mia repeatedly sucks air into her vaginal cavity and expulses it quickly creating the farting noises. Not to be outdone, I announce that I can "breathe" with my anus. (I had seen some John Waters film where a guy lipsynced a song with his asshole and this fascinated me. So I had practiced getting into a position where I could relax the sphincter and let it open. I found that air tended to rush in, a kind of vacuum having been created due to the position I was in - legs over head, butt sticking in air. Soon after, I discovered that I could close my anus and push the air out, fartlike, open again, breathe in and fart out.) Looking back, I would like to think that it took considerable wheedling and substantial amounts of alcohol, but the truth is probably more like I jumped up and ripped down my pants and yelled "watch!".

I demonstrated my well practiced abilities in front of my friends who were convulsively laughing. Then someone suggested that I could propel objects from my anus with my skill. This had never occurred to me, and I was game. Luckily a bowl of peanut M & M's sat on a bedside table, the perfect projectile for the job. It was then Mia who took a peanut M & M, approached, waited for me to open (I had to stop laughing first) and "breathe" in. She gingerly placed the peanut M & M into my open anus (I can't recall the color), I clenched and shot it clear across the room where it clacked against the wall and to the floor. More peals of horrified laughter.
I can only imagine it as I couldn't see with my face turned away, but I heard the "clack" against the wall.

And that was it. For years, that story would come up and be passed around. And as time went on, I learned to feel shame about it all, though at the time I was right proud.

Maybe I missed my calling.

10 comments:

Conan said...

O MY GOD LOL

That is sooooo funny. I wish I had a skill like that hahaha. Don't be ashame, exploit it, I can squirt milk from my eyes when I sniff it from my nose...another useless skill that's alway's funny when really really drunk.

I wonder why we alway's find out the most stupid and unecessery things concerning our body when we are drunk. Must be nature's law of telling us what we are doing is wrong hehe.

The Wisdom of Wislon said...

I've still yet to discover my hidden body talents ;-)

Don't think I can think of M&M's in the same way again! ha ha

_Psycho said...

Hahaha, funny story :) Man putting a "Warning" at the beginning only FORCE us to read it ;)

goldiemowling is right, now I will see M&M and think about that.

Good laugh this morning !

Patricia said...

wow. i'm off M&Ms altogether, now. if i subsitute all the fattening foods i like for those M&Ms, i might just lose the weight i need to.

oh, and uhmmm the word for the day: queef
www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Queef

Em said...

It lives on!

Anonymous said...

It was yellow. One possible correction, it was mid-day.We were drinking fresh squeezed orange juice,(very expensive from room service!!!!) and vodka (which might have also come from room service). I remember much as you can see, except I really DON'T remember loading the missile! I also don't remember showing my own terrific trick! But, I'm sure I did and have been blocking it out all these years. Thank you for restoring this lost bit of my youth. Mia

Rebekah said...

That's a new story for me.
Great one!

Spinning Girl said...

You are so beautiful.

Heidi said...

I needed this laugh today...Thankyou! LOL

Anonymous said...

I realy laughed reading this story as I heard it for so many years without details.
Have you ever thought about spray painting?

The spouse