20 years ago, after having my heart ripped out, stomped on and shredded, I had a brief fling with one of my university colleagues. Really brief, I mean I was on the rebound, and no one could really take away all that hurt except time. Anyway, Chris and I had a couple romps in the hay and then I lost interest. I didn't really consider us to be "together" so I didn't see any reason to "break up". I just stopped answering the phone. He left me a dozen or so messages, each one more aggravated and needy than the previous. This didn't endear him to me and so we never spoke again.
Until. Several years later, I was at an AA meeting and Chris spotted me and accosted me. He was clearly agitated even as I was having difficulty placing him. He told me that after our fling, he started a downward spiral into drugs and alcohol that led him to rock bottom and that it was only now that he was on the road to recovery. Without outright saying it, I could tell that he blamed me and my (in)actions.
Last year, when I went back to California and stopped in to see my buddies at the old place I used to work, a young hispanic man approached me and exclaimed, "Tornwordo!" and proceeded to embrace me as though we were long lost friends. I had no recollection whatsoever of this man though it was clear I had made some kind of impact on him. I feigned recognition and he asked me how Montreal was and then he said, " I'm so glad I have the chance to thank you. When you hired me, you told me something that I will never forget." This did not jog any of my memory, but I was certainly curious. "What?" I asked. "You told me that if you were going to believe in me and give me a chance at this job that I had to believe in myself too. You said you never wanted to hear me say, 'I can't'" He went on to tell me how he had moved up the ladder from busboy to server and then to manager. He was positively beaming with gratitude and confidence.
So. It does not matter if we are aware of our actions and words just as it does not matter if you are unaware of the law you just broke. Consequences occur despite your awareness or lack thereof.
27 comments:
So true. We never know what changes we have made to people. I especially love the story of the manager.
"So. It does not matter if we are aware of our actions and words just as it does not matter if you are unaware of the law you just broke. Consequences occure despite your awareness or lack thereof."
Interesting.
I do think we have a responsibility to try and be aware of our actions and words, at the very least, to ourselves.
The whole learning thing. You know, you didn't treat Chris well by not returning phone calls, and hopefully you learned something from that. Yes, he is responsible for himself, not you, but still...
When you see how you can affect others, for good or ill, doesn't it make you want to be more responsible? As a teacher, I know this all too well.
"So. It does not matter if we are aware of our actions and words just as it does not matter if you are unaware of the law you just broke. Consequences occure despite your awareness or lack thereof."
Interesting.
I do think we have a responsibility to try and be aware of our actions and words, at the very least, to ourselves.
The whole learning thing. You know, you didn't treat Chris well by not returning phone calls, and hopefully you learned something from that. Yes, he is responsible for himself, not you, but still...
When you see how you can affect others, for good or ill, doesn't it make you want to be more responsible? As a teacher, I know this all too well.
I really enjoyed this story. Thank you. It's a great portrayal of how we are active participants in the "Big Picture."
Karma is an undeviating and unerring tendency in the Universe to restore equilibrium, and it operates incessantly.
awesome story. you are 100% right on the money, as usual!
This is a great story! You are so right.
Excellent examples! Great story.
HUGS...
I'm with Rebekah on your behavior towards Chris.
As for Chris, I can't believe he "gave" you that much power over his life. I hope he got all the help he needed. I hope he learned.
As for the Hispanic, your "saying" might have trigered something in his mind, but he got where he is because of him.
People have to learn not to give power to words and actions of others.
It's part of the four agrements.
Sometimes we are unaware of the type of "butterfly effect" our actions have on people. The man you had such faith in most likely has used your words with his perspective employees thereby futhering this effect. Inveresly the boy you broke up with may have gone on to break others hearts too.
Just an opinion.
Wow, another great post!
I love this butterfly effect we all have.
I think both Chris and the young Hispanic were both responsible for their own successes and failures through choices. Funny how they both gave you credit!
Ahhh but it does matter if you broke a law, expecially in front of a bunch of mamas in minivans. LOL! (I checked to see if you read my post this morning before I commented because again, I thought this last line was about me!) Narcissist that I am!
i agree that awareness will not stop the cause and effect of a behavior. but thank goodness that awareness often helps us make better choices and therefore (hopefully) be better people and (even more hopefully) the world a better place.
That's the underlying message of the great old holiday film, Its a Wonderful Life. The angel Clarence summed it up when he said to George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart)
"Strange isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives."
Gosh, you have me thinking about things I've said to people and whether I've caused them any grief longterm.
Hope not.
i think the comments on this are as interesting as the post...
there seems to be an implication in the comments that you think that you changed these people's lives. but i don't read that at all. i read 'for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction'.
i didn't read it as you taking responsiblity for their live, but rather acknowledging that words and actions have an effect on people.
ultimately what they do with those words and actions is up to them, but they are still out there, full of effect.
i bet chris would have started that downward spiral whether you were in his life or not... doesn't sound like he got much from AA if he was accosting you... and i've always found it interesting how people can have an effect on a life and not even know it... great post...
Even though it hurts at times, that Karma is a good thing...
Maybe you did hurt Chris through your actions, but ultimately Chris is responsible for Chris and all the poor choices on the part of others are no excuse for his own conduct.
I've been treated badly by men I loved and yet no matter how hurt I was, I knew that any alochol or drug I might consider taking was just me trying to forget them. It was my choice -- not theirs.
On the other hand, your words to the hispanic man could have possibly been just the impetus he needed to help him believe in himself and work hard to achieve his goals.
I agree that our words and actions have consequences, but you have to factor in people will take whatever you say or do and use it for their own agenda (in Chris's case, to justify his addictions and subsequent problems; in the other man's case, as a reminder that anything is possible with hard work and someone who believes in you.)
Me...I get the feeling you are a pretty terrific fellow who tries very hard to do the right thing by himself and others.
Lengthy, rambling, incoherent comment now complete.
Yeah -- I'll just echo Rebekah, et al, in terms of Chris. Totally blowing him off was not a good way to end things, even if you imagined them as more casual.
I also agree with DBV, though, that if he blamed you for his addiction, he wasn't doing AA right.
Hmm -- No original insights from the GayProf.
In the meantime, I will just name you as the cause of my blog addiction.
I cannot agree with you more. You never know how someone is taking things you are saying...if they are truly getting it or just getting some theory in his head that he thinks this is what you meant.
I think your friend Chris has his own demons to reckon with...this is not caused by you in any way.
This post makes me want to start a downward spiral into drugs and alcohol.
KIDDING! Very thoughtful. And while I don't know much about AA, it seems that one of the first things you learn would be that you can't blame someone else for turning you into Jerri Blank...
Great illustration of the cosmic force of karma. Always enjoy your thoughts, at such an early time in the morning, too!!
I only have a superficial grasp of karma in the Hindu sense.
From my limited understanding, I find it strangely comforting to know that although our intention may be to do good works/actions/deeds, the ultimate effect of our action is unknown.
Example: Helping a lady across the street seemingly is ALWAYS a good action. But what if, by doing that, she feels inappropriately confident to cross back after shopping, and gets hit by a speeding vehicle? Was my action, ultimately, harmful?
In the end, because of this conundrum, the building up of karma (if that is possible) is an unknowable entity.
Great point. I agree...there are consequences to just about everything we say or do, even if those consequences don't make themselves readily apparent to us. Shoot, I just started wearing blush because a stranger asked me about my 'jaundice.' LOL
Great Post! Long live Karma...
Ick on the needy exes.
This post made me think of all the loose ends I've left lying around my life.
That's a great story about the busboy who in time became the manager, thanks to your encouragement. I've had similar experiences too, and it never ceases to amaze me how much we say and do really does affect others.
Mark in DC
Post a Comment