Saturday, May 13, 2006

The upside of lanky

* Those who do not want "too much information" might want to skip this post, sexual in nature as it is.

"Dad?" I asked one afternoon in the car on the way home from sixth grade, "What does masturbation mean?" A new kid at school had made a joke using this word. I had laughed even though I didn't get the joke. My parents had always encouraged open communication and so my father said without batting an eye, "Well, it's when you give yourself sexual pleasure."

Now sex was something I knew of. I didn't see the attraction to it yet because I hadn't reached the proper nut-ripened age.

"But how?" I asked, understanding the general idea, but clueless of the mechanics.

Dad made some kind of gesture with his hand that I didn't immediately grasp. I looked at him quizzically and he made the same gesture again. I guess I knew what he meant then but I was still a bit confused. (My penis still wasn't really big enough to work with the hand thing like he was demonstrating.)

Somehow, the subject got changed and we talked about other things until arriving home.

What do you think the first thing that I did was upon arriving home? Right, I went directly to the bathroom to try out dad's tutorial. About twenty minutes later, dad pounded on the door and said, "Ricky, I know what you're doing in there, now come on out." I had met with little success anyway, but from his tone of voice, I stung with a bit of shame thinking that talking about it must be okay, but doing it must not be. I came out and practiced later in the safety of my bedroom at night.

Still, it would be another year before I would truly be able to pleasure myself. By the beginning of 7th grade, I had already given up on dad's method which had lost its allure months before (since it didn't seem to work.) At this point, I was back to doing crazy boy shit; sticking paper clips into my urethra to see how far they would go, blowing air through a straw and into my bladder via my peehole and then "penis farting" the air back out, and finally trying to bend over and reach my penis with my tongue.

The last item there proved quite challenging. For weeks, I practiced touching the head of my penis with my tongue and then pushing farther and farther until I was able to get the whole kit and kaboodle in my mouth and even trigger my own gag reflex with my penis. It's hard to explain why I was doing this, the best answer I can give is boredom.

It was during one of these "exercises" that a crazy, scary feeling invaded my genitals and squirted something into my mouth. I was totally taken off guard and didn't really enjoy it because I thought something bad had happened. But after the initial shock, I put two and two together and realized I'd had my first orgasm.

Guess what I did everyday after school in the 7th grade? Guess what I became an expert at by 8th grade?

36 comments:

Christie said...

I still don't know how you guys live with those things! :-)

Interesting read, thanks!

Christie

Snooze said...

That is the absolutely best tale of discovering self love that I've ever read. Skip right over the humble hand job and onto auto fellatio. Love it!

CoffeeDog said...

Heheh, the ony thing I can parallel this with is when I was young I was able to bit my toe nails with my mouth!

Horny Old Guy said...

Ah yes most of us had become experts by the 8th grade even back in the puritanical 1950's when I grew up. For me getting poison oak on my little weenie led to the greatest discovery of my young life when I was rubbing it in bed one night to relieve the itch. Been doing it ever since! Cheers!

Kalvin said...

I can't believe that you were doing "penis farting" and other stuff when you were that little. Oh well. Pretty amazing story though, and at least your dad didn't try and make masturbation scary or evil.

Pete said...

You are not only handsome but limber too eh?

So... are you still an expert in this particular talent of yours? :)

Adam said...

Its amazing that you ever left the house after that.

GayProf said...

If an expert at self-pleasure in eighth grade, what happened in ninth grade?

Chunks said...

This post struck me as so funny, I don't really know why! I guess it was the penis farting, I had no idea and the idea just strikes me as so funny!

If God didn't want us to play with ourselves, he would have put our junk on our backs so we'd have no access!

Nice post, I love it when you tell us things about you in such an open and unflinching way.

dirk.mancuso said...

Wow. I was still trying to learn how to stay on a skateboard in 8th grade...

Steven said...

Paperclips? Straws?

All I can say is ouch.

Anonymous said...

I laughed my fool head off at the penis-farting bit. Holy shit, I had no idea you guys had so much fun with your weenies!

Move over, Tinker Toys, there's a new game in town...

Colleen

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

You render me defenseless. Completely helpless before you.
Shock and Awe. I anticipate being rendered helpless by the images in my head for at least the rest of today.
In sheer amazement and lecherous interest,
Daniel

Jason-M said...

Props to you. I only got as far as the tongue touching tip. But I wasn't very athletic. You da man!

Pete Mitchell said...

Damn! I hate being short!

Pete Mitchell said...

And I was going to compliment your writing again by saying I appreciate your "in your face" style; but that so-o-o-o might have been taken the wrong way.

t said...

Ahhh...auto fellatio!

I used to be able to do that in my teen days, long before my back surgery.
And I only did it twice...and never to orgasm. I just wanted to see if it were possible.
For those of you
who've never done it,
there's a downside anyway:
it's quite uncomfortable
because since you're bent so much
and
you've got it in your mouth,
it's hard to breathe!

The Searcher said...

this is so funny.... but wait-a-minute, i learnt how to jerk off by doing sit-ups... ha ha hee hee

Donna said...

no wonder buddha loved you so much.........he recognized a kindred spirit!

xx
d

Lyvvie said...

I've heard men joke that if they could, they'd never stop.

Em said...

Unflinching honesty and an upfront warning for the parents and any other interested... uh, uninterested people. Very nice.

As an added bonus, we were investigating g-spots this weekend and had a strange feeling that they could be really terrific but it would take awhile to acclimate to the sensation before it was a good thing. Sort of like the unclimactic reality of your first orgasm. I just know your readership wants to hear about g-spots... (snort)

Freak Magnet said...

That post was highly entertaining.

Thanks!

Rebekah said...

em... G-spots always pique my interest.

DogGirl said...

Wow, if I could I would.

S. said...

I was hoping we would eventually get THIS post out of you.

I tried to do this on several occasions but being only 5'8" and being very short from head to mid-section and being average endowed, the closest I ever came was licking the head. I sure as hell tried though.

Probably a GOOD thing I never figured it out...had I, I would have never left the bedroom.

I HAVE seen guys do it in person though...pretty hot...still wishin I could! lol.

Kevin said...

Not even an option for me, so I saluite you, sir. Although I remember my first orgasm and freaking out and not touching myself again like that for over a month because I thought I had done something wrong.

Now I do it several times a day -- I guess I got over it.

Jason said...

Wow, good for your Dad for telling you about it. That had to be hard (no pun intended). I remember a friend of mine being told by his father that his penis should look like a banana once it's fully grown. He was disturbed for years.

Holly said...

my sons are 11 and 12. we've discussed sex, birth control, etc. i know they will own and hide playboys (or playgirls i suppose) and interesting dvds and this really doesn't upset or bother me.

but it is somehow very uncomfortable to hear about what is actually done. and then considering the thought that my sons (have? will?) do these things.

ugh.

must block the thoughts, really. just not ready yet.

Carrie said...

holy fuck you are a LEGEND!

David said...

Um, let me guess. Penis farts?

Sunshine said...

That paper clip thing ... ouch ... hmm .. ouch!

dawn said...

Boys never cease to amaze me with their interest in their penises. I have never in my life heard of a woman spending so much time on a body part. Of course, we'd have to be REAAAALLLY flexible to try out your bending technique.

teh l4m3 said...

"For weeks, I practiced touching the head of my penis with my tongue and then pushing farther and farther until I was able to get the whole kit and kaboodle in my mouth and even trigger my own gag reflex with my penis."

Oh yeah. You really need to start posting FNT pics...

Patricia said...

i'm amazed you even left the house long enough to attend school.

Mark in DC said...

Very entertaining story! Thanks for sharing.

Mark

Lee said...

> until I was able to get the whole kit and kaboodle in my mouth and even trigger my own gag reflex with my penis

And when are you visiting London again?

;)