Heart exercise

We both woke up sick and coughing. Brother in law's funeral lay before us like a platter of inedibles. Spouse parted before me to help his mother through the morning. Our friend Daniel came to take me to the service. We listened to the soundtrack of Brokeback Mountain in silence, I knitting my scarf, he driving of course. The sky, blue in the east and hazy clouds wisping in from the west, framed a haloed sun as Willie Nelson crooned. Wasted lives. The refrain from the film as well as the deceased. Hah, I chuckle to myself. Pattern upon pattern.

The cold was noxious as we got out of the car in the parking lot of the church. Minus 9 (16 F) and windy, humid, cloying cold. So fitting for a funeral. The Rolling Stones popped into my head as we walked toward the entrance. "You can't always get what you want....You can't always get what you want" What was it he needed? Who could know. The long and twisted story of his life ended in misery and suffering, not all of which was self inflicted.

We enter the building and walk in on the chorale practicing. We think we are at the wrong church. Upstairs, we hear talking and find the family members gathered inside. Spouse cries when I greet him. This is unusual. With genuine handshakes and double cheek kisses, we find our seats, mine next to Spouse's and Daniel's further back. There is a small altar set up with the cremated remains in a box.

The full Catholic funeral mass begins which is like a regular mass with extras. There's a neat ritual with incense that I find particularly pleasing. The priest who led the mass seemed to reach inside me and get right at the nut of my feelings. "Think not about the life that Richard led, for it is not for us to judge. Think only of the mystery of one's life, the enormous potential or burden, nobody can know one's suffering." Potential, or burden. I chewed on that for a while.

Afterward, a small group convened at Mother in law's house where coffee and cake was served. People were getting along fine, laughing and joking and enjoying the relaxed nature of such an event. Not too much laughing, just enough for healing.