Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Toilet talk

When we first moved into this place, we were quite taken by the amenities that came with - fancy appliances, central vacuum, and the "silent toilet" as Serge put it. And it's true, when you flush this toilet, it makes no sound since the water from the tank enters the bowl from below the water line. Now I would never notice something like a "silent toilet", much as I don't notice a dirty toilet, but spouse, the one with taste, notices all these things.

However, there is something I've noticed that I don't like about this toilet. It doesn't evacuate all the turds. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the purpose of the toilet? Evacuating the turds? This toilet is good at evacuating the bulk of the turdage, but always seems to leave a morsel behind. This tends to be embarrassing when you have visitors. (Particularly those who choose to do number two.) Now personally, I avoid defecating if at all possible in any toilet other than my home's. Still there are times one must do the deed when away from home. For me, clothes shopping works better than coffee at nudging the fudge. Maybe some people experience this "nudging" while visiting others. Our friends seem to, lol.

So then last night, I was telling spouse about my dissatisfatction with the turd evacuation device in the bathroom. And you know what? He said that I was mistaken, that there is a little chipped porcelain at the bottom which has become stained and thus gives the illusion of remaining turdage. In actuality, all the turds are indeed evacuated. He said we needed to change the toilet because of the chip. And this is where he made the big mistake. You see, if he had let me go with the illusion, we would be getting a new toilet. But for chipped porcelain? No way. He's still got a thing or two to learn about me.

24 comments:

Ed said...

Sorry, Torn I'm with Serge. If it looks like a turd it will be embarrassing to guests. I can live with flaws on a lot of things but a faux turd in the stool isn't one of them.

Anonymous said...

If it looks like a turd, it's a turd. Unless Serge plans on telling each and every guest that "it's only chipped porcelain."

I'm with you. I can smoke a whole pack, or drink a pot of coffee, and be fine. But clothes shopping? Dammit!
And I HATE having to do that outside of the privacy of my own home!

Kevin said...

So maybe that's just a piece of chipped porcelain in my shorts then.


Nope.

Crap.

Anonymous said...

True to form! I seem to recall a discussion earlier this year related to replacing woodwork in the old apartment. Am I hearing the same chorus for a different verse?

You may need to watch yourself, Torn, or you're going to find yourself in line with me where they validate the Family Membership Card. I think mine is checked weekly; I'm on such thin ice. They keep threatening me with probation. Luckily you've got better credentials.

LOL! That story about the toilet was so funny! (and true)

Anonymous said...

I'm late commenting on your Christmas post.

Lovely videos and pic of the five of you. It's nice to know how others spend their Christmas. Yours looks so less hectic than ours - I would have loved to have gone skating on Christmas Day. Glad you enjoyed yourselves.

Jane said...

That was me above. Jane

Anonymous said...

Turd? Porcelain? Who cares. Anything for a little shopping. I was referred to your post today by Six Shooter.....who had ready MY post today. Check it out. Seems to be going around (or not, in your case). stay in touch!

Timmy said...

new toilet! no more turd stains! I agree with Serge!

Doug said...

Perhaps you can paint the chipped porcelain. If you can, it sounds like a job for a contractor. ;)

Snooze said...

If I were one of your visitors I would have been flushing the thing about 10 times and panicking if it looked like all the turdage wasn't gone.

Rebekah said...

This was funny. Good writing today. However, the chipped potty? No new one until you have all rent-paying tenants.

Cheers.

dirk.mancuso said...

"Nudging the fudge." You KNOW I am sooooo going to be stealing that piece of magic and working it into everyday conversation. (Yeah, I'm a cultural bastard.)

As for the chip...I'm with you. I'd be inclined to paint the chipped area and see if that solved the problem.

Spider said...

OMG - "turdage" - I have a new word of the week... Thanks so much Torn!

David said...

What is it with you and fecal matter? Do you have German ancestry? Their humor and fascination tends towards the scatalogical.

Anonymous said...

I get the feeling that this post was written solely for me. You know how I love a good poop story!!

Which reminds me of a blog entry I should write.

Anonymous said...

"nudge the fudge"... lol.

I'll have to remember that one. :P

I have an aversion towards dropping choco-bombs in anywhere but the privacy of my own WC at home. But for me, it isn't the clothes shopping that is the fatal trigger; that would be when I am on the third floor of a Barnes & Noble (when the latrine is on the ground floor somewhere hidden in the back of the building).

CoffeeDog said...

See I would never shit in your house, so I'd never have a problem with wayward turds. I'd walk into your bathroom and of course be horrified and traumatized because of the chip-that-looks-like-a-turd.

Freak Magnet said...

Can't you just paint it?

The porcelain - not the turd. That would probably prove tricky.

And icky.

Donna said...

glad to see you are back to your old self! gross!

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Your scatology is delightful. I can imagine you as a little boy saying things in the most sober tone of voice, making all the adults squirm with discomfort.
Faux turds, indeed!

Steven said...

Talk about euphemisms.

Not once did you mention shit.

Nudging the fudge, on the other hand, is pretty self-explanatory.

Anonymous said...

Well, the appearance of a turd may be just as bad as the actual turd. I say new toilet to celebrate the new year!

Mark in DC said...

Oh god - I thought I was the only one who suddenly feels a 'fudge nudge' when shopping!?!?! Its almost as if I could go days and days without deficating if I stayed away from the store. My spouse has taken to jeering me when we are about to go shopping: "Now, we're about to leave for the store. Why don't you go to the bathroom first?" to which I reply "But I don't have to go right now", to which he replies "But you will as soon as we walk in the door."

What a funny blog post!

Patricia said...

i just knew it had been too long since you'd blogged about poo.

if it was me, i think i might be compelled to mess with spouse's head and randomly drop in things like chocolate covered raisins, snickers bars, anything to rattle him. that chipped porcelain could provide a lot of cheap entertainment.