Poorific

This is the cover of a book that I got at christmas from Laverne. As you can imagine, some readers send me links and videos that are scat-funny and it always warms my heart, you guys really know how to get a chuckle out of me. So this book is full of pictures of creatively decorated doo-doo. Take for example the one below, there's something ultra revolting about it and I'll tell you what it is, it's the insinuation that it is to be eaten. (Divine suddenly popped into my head and I'm remembering how she/he actually ate the freshly shat steaming dog turd on camera. Was that Pink Flamingos? No cuts, no splicing.) I hope you plan on skipping breakfast.

I'd like to draw your attention to the red pen because that is what the picture is of. I accidentally had that book in the shot. I hope I'm not contravening any laws here, as that is not my intent. Isn't it a cool red pen?

Did you know that I have a fake doo-doo? Of course you did. I remember my first fake poo, I must have been 7 or 8 and ordered it using my allowance from the Johnson Smith Company. It was a dog turd and I amused myself helplessly with it. I also got the "Oops! I Missed" which you see pictured above. Sometimes when we have guests I place it there. Once, MIL came over and used the bathroom and the poo that I had placed there disappeared. She never said a word and when we asked, she said she didn't see anything like that. Hmmmm. No matter though, I had a spare. (Of course I did.)

Here's my pen again. I use it to correct student papers. Somehow, that darned book got in the shot again. And with my favorite photo too.

Scattered brain

A couple of students have informed me of their physical ailments of late and both of them told me they had torticollis. They both stated their malady with high confidence because they had looked it up. I had never heard this word, so I looked it up and it indeed is a word in English. It's much more commonly known as stiff neck or wryneck (which I've never heard either.) Anyway, I like this word because it sounds so much more pity inducing, which is most likely why you'd be complaining about your ailment. A stiff neck just sounds like you slept wrong. But torticolli, ouch. I thought about how I didn't really understand the notion of a stiff neck, sure I've hurt my neck and it's been sore afterwards, but I don't have a physical experience definition that I can pin onto the phrase. Except that's not entirely true, because the day before yesterday, I woke up with one. A stiff neck. And a big knotted muscle on one side. And it's funny, I think it's just that I slept wrong, but it's the worst slept wrong I've ever done. It's only just getting back to a pain free state.

It makes me wonder if I was sleepwalking again. I read this article recently about sleep walking that stated that sleepwalkers are not really asleep, they are half asleep and half awake. I don't know about that, because for me, the conscious mind is in the half sleeping part. Maybe they meant that the body was awake. Yesterday I was in the car and the disc jockeys were carrying on as they do during rush hour trying to be amusing for all the folks stuck in traffic. Then they had an interesting fact to share. The question, "Do blind people "see" in their dreams." It was clarified that the blind person was blind since birth. And the answer was no, they don't see in their dreams, they perceive the world both in conscious life and dream life the same. And this does not include sight. Then they said that dreams are generated from the conscious memories we carry with us. That sounded awful black and white to me. I bet there's more to it than that. I was just going to say that all animals sleep, but apparently the bullfrog doesn't. I just went and checked. They do rest in a sleep-like state though without the need for food and very little oxygen. For months at a time. I don't know but I'd say it counts as sleep.

Where was I? Torticolli, sleepwalking, blind people and bullfrogs. I guess I don't really have a point. Just a glimpse of my scattered brain. Ciao.

More blather

A lot of times, especially during the week, I start writing the blog post on the previous day. When I open wordpad to type something, as I have just now, I always switch the font size and type to 12 and Times New Roman. I don't know why. If I forget to change it, it (the 10 point Arial font) will bug me as I'm writing and I will inevitably stop and switch everything over to what I need. Need being relative of course. It's a quirk of mine I guess. Spouse is sitting next to me. He stayed home from work and is in a funk. Can't say why, there doesn't seem to be an ostensible reason, it's just that when you're in that place, the hole, the pits, everywhere you look in your life brings you sighs and disenchantment. You know, you've been there. This is mostly about his working life I believe and there's not much I can do except let him sort it out. And anyway, he's not an easy nut to crack. I keep dangling the vacation carrot to try to brighten his spirits, but he's still moaning, "It's a WHOLE month away." I'm freshly on team "ONLY one month away" so you can see how we're not meshing quite right.

I saw tulips yesterday. Live ones coming out of the ground. Is it me or do the red ones always come up first? Then it started raining. I finally get to use the raingauge that I got for Christmas and it sends the results to the little display inside the kitchen. We've had 1.18 inches of rain since yesterday at noon. I love checking that thing. Hey look another quirk. This should just be a meme and get it over with. Oh did I mention that snow is in our forecast? Tonight and tomorrow. It won't stick a lick, but mother nature certainly seems to be sticking her tongue out at us.

Oh my but this is a lame post. Oh well, can't do it everyday and always be good. And look at the news, there's nothing. Obamary Cain. Food shortage oil prices recession. I've been yawning through the newspaper for the past week it's so dull and repetetive. Hey, I just remembered there's peanut butter pie in the fridge. One sec, I need to go get some.

Do you know the sound Homer Simpson makes when he's thinking of donuts? Kind of like gargling saliva? That's what this pie makes me do. It took me two and a half weeks, but I've gained back 5 of the ten pounds I accidentally lost when I was sick. It's hard work I tell you. But oh such an enjoyable task. I guess I've nothing more so Happy Tuesday or maybe I should say Happy International Dance Day.

This n that

You know the Bible 66%!

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You've got to be kidding right? I don't know how I feel about this result.

A nice reader sent a clarification for the fucking frogs picture yesterday. Turns out they're toads. And there's no penile involvement either. Apparently, the smaller male rubs some part of the female to excite her into releasing her eggs, then he lets fly with the sperm all over them in the water.

I ordered some gifts for our cabin for the cruise. AND we got upgraded two levels for our balcony guarantee reservation. Woo hoo! Instead of sneaking the booze on like the last two times, I figured I'd just send some beer and wine to the cabin along with a fruit and cheese basket and pay for it before we go. We are so excited about this upcoming trip we could spit. We could hack phlegm even. I'm trying not to think about all the crap that MUST GET DONE before we leave because that makes me feel panicky. Butohmygodthere'salottodo, breathe, look forward to vacation. That's better.

The inlaws came by the other night and we seized the opportunity, since we had two witnesses, to write up a mini-will in our own writing. When we were doing it, I was going to write "bequeath" but then I settled on the more colloquial "want all my stuff to go to". Whatever, it's just to tide us over until we really do it. In case we're run over by a bus or something.

Coupla pics

We have had gorgeous weather for a week and a half. This has fooled the plantlife into awakening a week earlier than normal. I read in the paper Friday that the magnolias were peaking this weekend, so I dragged serge over to the botanical gardens to check them out.

Here's a close-up of one of the flowers. The magnolia trees at the gardens are mostly white, but there are some pinks too. It was great walking around as everything is in a state of awakening, little buds coming out of branches, tulips poking through the earth (they'll start blooming this week) and billions of tiny leaves that seem to tint the air green.

Here was something purple that we were drawn to.

We wandered around into the chinese pavilion and there was the strangest cacophany of sound. The best way I could describe the sound is like when we were kids and we'd play cowboys and indians and the indians would make a falsetto sound while patting the mouth with the open palm of the hand. We couldn't figure out what it was. Was it a bird or birds? No. Turns out all the frogs were crying out for mating. I caught these guys in the act swimming through the water. It made me wonder if they were like dogs, the swollen penis stuck inside the female causing them to stay coupled for awhile.

Blather

I finally got the films I ordered to show in class this session. I had ordered them a week and a half ago, but due to a mail carrier error (delivered to wrong place) I didn't receive them until yesterday afternoon. One of them was that classic '73 flick Paper Moon where Tatum O'Neal won an oscar at 8 years old. (And who in their right mind names a kid Tatum? Sounds like a skin condition or something.) I haven't watched it in forever, but I'm trying to build a library of films that I can show to classes. I also picked up Same Time Next Year, Rear Window (the Hitchcock original), Silver Streak, and The Graduate. Spouse hit the happy hour with his work peeps yesterday, so I picked up a baguette, sliced it and filled it with the bbq chicken I had made the night before. Then I melted a little cheese on it and sat down to watch Paper Moon. I was about 20 minutes into it when spouse got home. As soon as he saw the television, he started sputtering, "You're watching THAT movie. THAT's the movie! How is it that you have this movie? What is the name of it!" I instinctively shushed him and he pressed on. "I can't believe you have this movie! I saw this movie once but didn't remember the name. What is it called?!" I sighed, put the movie on pause and gave him my attention. It turns out he had seen this movie as a kid and it had made a huge impression on him. He remembered plot details that I didn't and I had to tell him to shut up so he didn't spoil it for me. I've seen it, but that's what's great about me and my brain, after a few years, everything old is new again. Anyway, he was so thrilled to find out that we now own this film. And then he said, "I was just thinking about this movie." Aha! Mr Clairvoyant himself. See spouse doesn't believe in any kind of gobbledygook such as that. Did I ever tell you about the time, we were a few months into our relationship and just as we were going to bed one night spouse said, "We're going to have a big earthquake tonight." I told him that in California such comments are not funny. Sure enough at four in the morning we had the biggest earthquake I've ever lived through. (I'm remembering standing in the doorframe weeping, knowing I'm going to die, hearing the unimaginable crashing sounds outside that turned out to be every chimney in the neighborhood disintegrating.) We watched the rest of the film and then all the special features. Both spouse and I hadn't remembered how hot Ryan O'Neal was in the movie. I guess we both identified with the kid character when we saw it before. Alright, enough blathering, y'all go and enjoy your weekend now.

Snippets

* Almost all the snow is gone. 12 days after our last snowfall. The snow dump sites still have mountains of it though.

* Our hockey team is in the playoffs. They won the first round and then the ensuing street party finished up as a riot. Dude,we won, let's burn cars and loot businesses. I was not surprised to see that it was all males doing the destroying. I swear the world would be more peaceful if all males were made eunuchs.

Montreal Canadiens Tickets

* The trees are just starting to leaf. This is a full week early. I have never seen this happen here (never meaning 8 years) before the month of May.

* Remember how I mentioned my dad's dog dying? Well they got a new one. A little chihuahua named Tiki.

* I found a bag of drugs in the middle of a busy street. It looks like a dealer dropped his wares for the evening. It's either little portions of speed or coke. What a happy day that would have been had I been in college. Now I think, ugh, that ain't going up my nose. I gave it to someone who may have use for it. (And should I be writing this? I try to be honest here, and I've done nothing wrong, but it still feels weird.)

* The firetrucks here are festooned with the hockey team's colors and flags. They look like clownmobiles.

* I remember when everyone in America festooned their cars with the flag. Now I'm seeing the same phenomenon here with the hockey team, and thousands of ordinary people are wearing the flag, putting it on their cars and yesterday I saw this, a huge statue (which I've highlighted in a previous snippets somewhere) that someone had dressed. I don't mean to be a spoilsport, but this all seems so irrelevant and nonsensical.

 Montreal Canadiens Tickets

* Sometimes I go here and check the card of the day or a single card. It always seems to make me reflect or focus in on things in a helpful way.

* Here's a shot of our newly defrosted freezer. (Scintillating I know.) That box next to the ice cube trays is a 20 pack of corndogs that I picked up for spouse since they were on sale. He scolded me telling me that it was wrong to eat those, I shouldn't be encouraging him to eat bad food. I reminded him that it wasn't nice to scold the person for the gift. Then he ate half the box in 3 days, so now I kind of see his point.

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Coincidence

I had a clairvoyant moment yesterday. The trouble with clairvoyance is that it doesn't announce itself like say a headache does. No, it's one of those things that only seems clear after the fact. Clairvoyance has many monikers, intuition, gut feeling, sixth sense and what have you. Anyway, in my first class of the day I was with my private student and we had decided to exchange novels for reading. She brought me her copy of Perfume, and I lent her my copy of The Alchemist. The book was given to me by an old acquaintance, Anny, and I read her inscription on the inside cover and reminded my student to make sure to return the book since it had some sentimental value. I thought about Anny and how it's been too long since we've been in touch. After the noontime class, I cooled my heels in the park, and darned if there wasn't a girl who looked like Anny sitting on one of the benches. I approached to get a better look only to realize that I had been mistaken. That was weird, I thought, I wonder why I've got Anny on the brain today. My late afternoon class began, and we are in the part of the session where I show films in class. Yesterday I showed Sliding Doors, a cute little romantic film whose central theme is fate. I noticed little things in the film I hadn't noticed before, notably the moments of the universe giving signs and the central character's intuition. If you don't know the film, the idea is "what happens if you miss the metro train as opposed to making it onto the train." The story is told in parallel, the plot of making the train leading the main character to discover her boyfriend in flagrant délit with another woman, and the missed train plot where she does not arrive in time to discover the cheating boyfriend. It doesn't matter though because all the significant events occur simultaneously in both plots and the result, well you'll have to rent it for that.

After class, I trudged over to the metro to await my ride home. I was still mulling over the destiny theme from the movie when I saw Anny standing on the other side of the tracks. I called out to her as there was no mistaking it this time and we chose to miss our trains and join up upstairs to catch up. We hadn't seen each other for over two years. I told her how she had been on my mind that day and why and isn't it strange that we would run into each other. She reminded me that there are no coincidences. I figure I knew we were going to meet, I just didn't know that I knew. Now if only I can tune this thing to the winning lottery numbers...

Memesday (clever eh?)

Everyone else did this, so I'll play too.

1.Taken a picture completely naked?
This is a confusing question, does it mean I'm holding the camera while naked or does it mean the camera is aimed at a naked me? I guess I'd have to answer yes to both meanings.

2.Made out with a friend from MySpace/Facebook?
No and how many francophones would understand this question?

3.Danced in front of your mirror naked?
Yes, but only to make myself laugh.

4. Told a lie?
Does it count if you believe the lie yourself?

5.Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back?
Of course, that's one of God's biggest jokes on us.

6. Been arrested?
No. Though I've done plenty of things to warrant it.

7. Made out with someone of the same sex?
God, made out sounds so high school. Even "mack" would be better. And duh, look who I married.

8. Seen someone die?
Not the moment the body died, but all the dying leading up to the death, yes.

9.Slept in until 5 P.M.?
Probably, though I don't recall those hazy druggy days.

10. Had sex at work?
No. Unless with oneself counts.

11. Fallen asleep at work/school?
No, I can only sleep on my stomach lying down.

12. Held a snake?
Yes.

13. Ran a red light?
Yes. Even intentionally once or twice.

14. Been suspended from school?
Yes, for damaging school property. My friend and I decided to whittle away at a wooden support post. Had no idea we would get into trouble.

15. Wrecked your car in an accident?
Yes, and I wrecked my boss' car once too.

16. Pole danced?
No, how tacky.

17. Smoked?
I wish I could say no.

18. Been fired from a job?
Yes, for not recognizing the president of the company (I had never seen him and had only worked two weeks there) and asking him to wait five minutes for a table.

19. Sang karaoke?
Yes. But never by choice. I always had to get the employee Christmas party karaoke going by making a fool of my managerial self.

20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
Oh sure, but I let myself off the hook easily.

21. Laughed until a drink came out of your nose?
Yes, and it isn't pleasant.

22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
Yes, but not until I was well into my 30s.

23. Kissed in the rain?
I don't recall but most likely yes.

24. Sang in the shower?
Yes, I sang you my shower song yesterday.

25. Given your private parts a nickname?
No, but my parents did when I was a kid. Sometimes I still think of it as my doodle.

26. Ever gone out without underwear?
If at all possible, I will skip underwear.

27. Sat on a rooftop?
Yes, many times. The view is much better up there.

28. Broken a bone?
Apparently when I was a baby, but I don't recall it.

29. Mooned/flashed someone?
Out a car window, in high school.

30. Shaved your head?
No, I've got scars up there.

31. Slept naked?
Every night.

32. Played a prank on someone?
Yes, my favorite is the whipped cream in the receiver of a telephone with a hold button. Hey "target", there's a call for you on line 2.

33. Had a gym membership?
Yes, I had a lifetime membership for Bally's but gave it up when I moved up here. It was only $35 a year.

34. Felt like killing someone?
No. Maybe in my youth I wished death on someone, but never felt like actually doing it.

35. Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry?
Yes, and it makes me feel like a monster.

36. Cried over someone you were in love with?
Oh gosh yes. Ugh.

37. Had sex more than 10 times in one day?
No, eight is the max.

38. Had Mexican Jumping Beans for pets?
Yes. I probably still have some somewhere. Dead now of course.

39. Been in a band?
No, except the impromptu ones with family and friends.

40. Subscribed to Maxim?
Ewww.

41. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol?
I'm sure I've had over 10 drinks a few times. Shots are white-trashy.

42. Shot a gun?
Yes. But never at an animal.

43. Had sex today?
C'mon, I just woke up.

44. Played strip poker?
Yes. It's some kind of rite of passage isn't it?

45. Tripped on mushrooms?
Yes, and every time was fascinating.

46. Donated blood?
Regularly until I was forbidden for life. (As are all practicing homosexual males.)

47. Video-taped yourself having sex?
Yes, and then a few years after, spouse accidentally taped an episode of The Simpsons over it.

48. Eaten alligator meat?
No, but I'm curious.

49. Eaten frog legs?
Yes. Kinda like chicken.

50. Ever jump out of an airplane?
No but it's on my list. I have bungee jumped though.

51. Have you been to more than 10 countries?
Yes.

52. Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend?
I don't think so. Once you're a friend, I don't think of you that way.

This thing took too long. I'd like to make a rule. Memes should be limited to 10 items.

My themesong

This is what I sing in the shower, and pretty much any time it rains.



Randy: Ahight dawg, it's like this, there were a few pitch problems so it was just OK for me.

Paula: (slurring) I love that shirt.

Simon: I think you may be going home this week Sorry!

This and that

We saw the crazy lady again yesterday. We haven't seen her since last summer when she came by every few days to glare at the next door neighbor's window and shout at it. It was many months before we could piece together the nature of her grievances. Usually she shouted, "Salma! Salma! I am not a WHORE!" One day, she caught Salma out on his balcony and started shouting at him. We couldn't hear his retorts, but a couple of times she changed course and screamed, "But I LOVE YOU Salma! I LOVE YOU!" So we figure she is a spurned woman, perhaps the incarnation of Glenn Close's role in Fatal Attraction. She didn't shout anything yesterday, she just hung out and glared at his apartment for a while.

We caught a bit of spring cleaning fever yesterday. Spouse defrosted the freezer (why do they still make them without the automatic defrosting element?) and I went through our wardrobe and pitched everything that hasn't been worn in a year. And I found two shirts that still had the tags on them. Spouse reminded me that they were purchased last summer in Palm Springs....for me. I have no recollection of it, so it just feels like I got two new shirts.

Blue poo. Has anyone had this? Spouse was a bit alarmed when he called me into the bathroom. He pointed to the bluish residue coating the porcelain. "What did you put in there?" he wanted to know. I informed him that there was nothing blue or otherwise that I had thrown in there. "You must have pooped it," I concluded. He has had a funky stomach the past couple of days, so I suggested maybe he ate something blue. We stood there thinking about what blue things could have been eaten, and we came up with nothing. The best we could figure, he sleepwalked to the store, purchased blueberries, ate them and went back to bed. I took the toilet brush to scrub away the residue. Spouse was surprised and said, "I need to get the camera, I've never seen you clean the toilet." "Once a decade my love, once a decade," I replied.

Happiness, zing of pleasure, ecstasy

I made it over to the DQ, or the house of happiness. Right as I was leaving home, I remembered the receipt from the market. On the back of the receipt there's usually a coupon for local businesses, among them Dairy Queen. I ruffled through my potential coupon file and found it. I saved one dollar on my banana creme pie blizzard. (I wanted the tin roof sundae one, but couldn't figure out which one it was on the French Menu.)

I checked this page on Environment Canada several times yesterday. Each time a little zing of pleasure coursed through my body, kind of like a body orgasm. I hope you don't take this as gloating.

I know they are just sea bugs, but they inspire ecstasy in one's mouth. And that little cheese toast? Let me just point out that as I was drunk on sunlight skipping through the farmer's market to the crab counter, there was a guy giving small samples of his little farm's goat cheese. I tasted this man's cheese. (I just loved writing that line.) It was like the nirvana version of goat cheese. I can't explain it, the whole "stinky foot" element in goat cheese had been eliminated and it was aged and softened like fine brie. I've never tried anything like it. I asked the nice man for a small chunk and parted with nine dollars for it. So you can see how "cheese toast" doesn't really capture the reality.

Waxing

We're sitting before a sunny warm weekend. It was snowing last weekend and instead of shifting to spring, we've just hopped right along to summer. I wore shorts and my birkenstocks yesterday. We barbequed again too, this time pork chops marinated in bbq sauce and some boiled brussel sprouts on the side. Oh and cheesy potatoes too. ( I wanted to say the truth, fingerling potatoes and extra old cheddar, but that sounded so pompous) That all went down well with the wheat beer. That white wheat beer man, it's like beer candy.

This suddenly summer thing has me on edge. I feel like we have to do every summer activity imaginable since even in the summer, a sunny warm weekend such as this one is rare. It rains a lot here in the summer. But we can't do everything, so there's this challenge to maximize the time, but whatever we do, we'll be doing it outdoors. As I was walking home from the metro yesterday, I noticed Mount Royal, the hill-slash-park still iced with winter frosting, like a cupcake. I don't think a hike up there is in the cards, it ought to be rather muddy. Perhaps a stroll through the botanical gardens, a visit to the farmer's market to pick up some more crab, fix up the potted plants that have suffered indoors this long winter, ride the bike to Dairy Queen (did you see the commercial for the tin roof sundae blizzard? My mouth gushes with saliva every time I see it) Oh look the big Saturday paper just arrived, here I go with my coffee outside to consume it.

Snippets

* Yesterday was the first day we broke into the seventies. (24Celcius) It was the best day so far of 2008. Collective joy pervades the city.

* In related news, I've inaugurated the barbeque. It'll be in use on a near daily basis until November.

* There's something about this billboard for the french version of the Lifetime channel that bothers me. I just can't put my finger on what it is.

* I've been eating like a total pig this week. Wednesday for dinner I had a frozen lasagne, then a corn dog and finally two grilled cheese sanniches. I shouldn't have, but I had half a dozen chocolate covered graham crackers for dessert. Still, I've only gained back two pounds from the 10 I inadvertently lost. In my reality, I'm wondering why it's so hard to put the pounds on when they flew off so easily. Yes, I'm a freak.

* We do not have a will. In case I die before we make one, I want spouse to inherit everything. Somehow, I don't think a blog post would hold up in court.

* My mother is now catching halibut from her kayak. I'm so proud of that eccentric lady. (And dang but halibuts are an ugly fish.)

* It's car crash season again, chez nous. The angle of the setting sun is such that for the next couple months, there will be weekly crashes as drivers don't seem to be able to read the light. Is it red or green?

* This is kind of sad, but the happiest moment of most of my days is when I'm on the ride home from work.

* Our ficus made figs! I have had ficuses for at least 20 years, the most recent of which I bought in 2001. It's done very well despite our several moves. And now it made fruit. Apparently this is rare for an indoor ficus to bear fruit. Also notable is that the fruit is the flower. In its native asia, a certain wasp is relied upon to pierce the fruit-slash-flower and pollinate it. They are absent here.

And now for something lighter

So I was up way early the other day and fixed my bagel as I usually do. It was still dark. As I was eating it, there was a slightly bitter taste, I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was just bordering on unpleasant, but as in many things culinary, I could and did convince myself that it was good. I ate it and wondered if perhaps the bagel was turning and that was the reason for the funkiness. I thought nothing more about it.

The next day, I woke up a bit later. The sun was shining brightly into the kitchen. I pulled out the bagels, and there was just one left in the bag. It was fully covered with a coat of green fur. Gagging commenced. Nausea ensued. This week I'm having english muffins.

In which I sigh heavily

So I read yesterday on Joe.My.God. that 27 LGBT groups have urged the California courts to try Lawrence King's murderer as a juvenile. Joe expressed being conflicted about it and asked his audience to weigh in. I couldn't believe there were actually people crying "Fry him!" in the comments. Not just one or two, but beaucoup. Maybe I'm totally disconnected from my people, but the kid (pretty much the opposite of an adult) is barely 14. Everyone is so focussed on punishment. He must be severly punished. He is to blame, he knew what right and wrong was, the act was premeditated, etc etc. and I guess that means fry the bastard. I couldn't disagree more, but my voice seems to be in the minority. Here's what I want to know. Here is a society built on, among other things, guns and masculinity. Violence is being virtually carried out by our toddlers on video games. Faggot is still the number one schoolyard epithet. And yet we're supposed to try this kid as an adult, endow him with being able to rise above the negative influences of society and family, make the right choice and do the right thing? That's quite a burden for a just turned 14 year old. (Laverne, did you know that you are teaching adults there in junior high?) I figure the guy could probably still learn all those things since he is clearly in a formative and malliable part of his life. And he's the one who's here alive on the planet. It seems like a waste of a life, as well as a useless exercise in hostile feelings, to send this kid to jail forever. And I'm saddened at the hard-heartedness of my brethren. The lust for revenge and dare I say it, bloodthirstiness, strike me as savage and backward. I thought we were more evolved than that.

Because I'm lazy

Stuff I don't like

1. Snow in April
2. Flatulence at mealtime
3. Righteousness
4. Coconut
5. Tufted moles
6. Anyone trying to sell me anything
7. Dog doo on my shoe

Stuff I like

1. Snow in December
2. Potty humor
3. Banana
4. Freebies
5. The first 70 degree day in spring
6. Beauty marks
7. Smiles and nods

Yes it did snow

Once we finished changing out the water heater yesterday, we took back the defective one and decided to take a stroll through the farmer's market. What I want to know is, how come all the farm fresh things are cheaper than in the supermarket. We picked up some eggs, only brown naturally, and asparagus (only a buck for a nice bunch of thick spears) and fresh crab. We know they were fresh because they were alive and cooking them in front of patrons. You could buy either, but we opted for cooked. Made a delicious dinner. There just is no comparison for crab when it is fresh. I already want to go back and pick up some more.

Oh and it's a bit hard to tell from the picture, but it snowed off and on all day yesterday. Little bursts of snow showers on April 13th. So is this the last time?

Here's something that always irritates me. This is a flyer that was inserted into the English newspaper. But the company who is advertising didn't really think it necessary to have their flyer checked by an English speaker, and thus, the flyer is riddled with errors. Things like "teinted windows" and "save until $5000". I have no idea what kind of employee they need, but I'm pretty sure they don't mean "court". Anyway, it's just insulting to see that the company holds English in such low esteem that they don't even bother to spellcheck. They used the word "therefore" as two words like this: "the refore". Anyway, this place is across the street from our house, so I'm going to drop off the flyer there today with all the errors circled. I'm sure they'll be grateful. (wink)

This n that

We spent the bulk of the day yesterday changing out two water heaters at the other building. We got our old neighbor who is a plumber to help us. Everything went perfectly. Until. A few hours later, one of the tanks was leaking out from the seam. In other words, it's defective. We had to go back and shut off the valve to the tank and this morning we've got to get another water heater and try to return the defective one. Ah the joys of landlordom.

Last night, we took in another film on DVD. Into the Wild. I'm on the hunt for a new film to show in class this session, so I'm trying to catch up on the releases from the last 6 months. Well it won't be this film nor the one Friday. Too long. The class is two hours so the first filter is that it must be under 110 minutes. Talky films are best, especially plays that have been adapted to the screen. For beginners though, I have to find a very visual film like "Airplane" or a film with repetition, like "Groundhog Day." Ohh, I just thought of something, "Same Time Next Year." That might work, I wonder if it's on DVD. (Excuse me while I add this to my list.) Anyway, Into the Wild was good, if a bit long, and spouse and I waxed about living isolated, off the land, in the wilderness. "What if we sold everything and went up to the Yukon?" It's something that will come up again today as we're doing the water heater I'm sure.

AM blather

I weighed myself yesterday. Seems this sickness took ten pounds from me. Ten pounds, I haven't weighed this little since teenagedom. I was pretty shocked when I saw it. See I've been the same weight for a decade, always around 175. Now I'm at 163, just two pounds heavier than Serge. That explains the taste in my mouth too. I know from having fasted that there is a special taste when the body switches over and starts eating itself. Oh and a little residual gift from all of this is the appearance of a cold sore on my nostril. That herpes always gets you when you're down.

Watched No Country for Old Men last night. We had to, I mean it did win Best Picture of the year, and I've always been drawn into Coen brothers films. (Remember Blood Simple?) I had to put the subtitles as I do for British movies. I have a lot of trouble understanding the strong southern accent along with the frequent grammatical errors inherent in the dialect. He don't done nuthin wrong, for example. (And this reminds me of the other day as I was feverish on the couch watching Wheel of Fortune. There was a contestant from the south and every time he called for the letter "N", it came out as two syllables - AY-ENN. I found it quite funny.) I don't know if I'd call it best picture, it was riveting in much the same way a car accident is. The violence doesn't do much for me and this film had pretty much nothing but. It did make my heart race though.

I'm sending my food service resume to the Jazz Festival today. I figure I can make a grand or two working those two weeks and then enjoy the rest of the summer. If I get a job that is. But really, who wouldn't want to hire me? I'm sure that I'll whine bitterly when I actually have to do the work, (and I'm gunning for manning the hotdog cart) and it's hot and humid and every patron is ripped to the tits. Still, it'll probably make for some fun blog fodder.

Hashed it out

I called Kraft the other day to mention my impression of being ripped off by the giant airhole in the tub of cream cheese and y'all were right, they assured me that the quality control procedures ensure that the weight was accurate regardless of the airhole. I said that I guess I would have to take their word for it since I had already used some of it and therefore I wouldn't be able to verify it. She explained how the airholes can happen and took my address etc. I do not know why she took my address, but I'm hoping they'll send a coupon or something my way.

I haven't got any snippets, honestly it's taken every bit of my lifeforce just to get through this week. I'm behind on blogs, chores and mending fences with spouse. He has been irritating the hell out of me all week, and I know it's because we haven't really resolved our conflict from last weekend. I've been sick and cranky and not nice at all towards him either. But you know, the last thing I want to hear when I'm down and out is, "You stress too much about things, that's why you got sick." Nice, blame me for my malady even while I'm suffering in it. Charming even. I ripped him a new hole after that comment and then he said something like, "I have feelings too, you know." Oh yes, now I'm supposed to rise above and be diplomatic even as I feel like I'm dying. It seems we've got a few things to hash out. Don't worry peeps, we always work things out, I just need to vent a little. (Actually, we mended fences last night. I wrote this yesterday afternoon. We're good again.)

My dad sent sad news yesterday, he had to put the love of his life down, the little chihuahua, Tina. This dog brought so much joy to their house but after a year or so began having seizures and strokes and the vets could never figure out what was wrong. They charged thousands of dollars to basically shrug. Finally, the only sane decision was to put her down. Rest in peace, Tina, we'll always remember you.

Ubercranky

So do you have to be a millionaire to be elected president? This seems counterintuitive to me, since most people are not millionaires, why are millionaires disproportionately filling the ranks in Congress? I read recently that McCain said that people facing foreclosure should get a second job and skip their vacations. (While the organizations who overcasually lent the money are being "rescued", I'd like to bitterly digress) But McCain is exceedingly rich. It's so rude and pompous to say such a thing when you'd never have to face that. As ludicrous as me giving advice on the female orgasm. I really try to be open minded but it's really hard when I see the very wealthy governing and dispensing advice to the poor. Maybe if you're rich I expect you to be humble. (I know, who the fuck cares what I think.) To express gratitude for the serendipity that led to this station in life. Yes, you worked hard, we all do. You cannot get through this life without working hard one way or another.

I still feel like hell, maybe that's where all this crankiness is coming from. I keep working, rationalizing that I can feel miserable at home on the couch or in the classroom, it doesn't really matter. It's bad though. Every time I cough it feels like I'm being stabbed in the sternum. And I still have a fever, low grade yet persistent. It's times like these I really wish I had paid sick days.

We can't all be winners

I keep thinking about something Jamie Lee Curtis said on Oprah the other day. (And that was strange, Oprah seemed frozen in time, like she hadn't changed in the slightest from a decade ago.) She was talking about mothers today, as though they are freakishly different from mothers of yesterday, and how they try to protect their children from all sorts of pain and injustice. That in shielding the children from pain and injustice, the mothers are doing a disservice to their children because, and this is what I loved her for, life is FULL of pain and injustice. Emotional pain is certainly something that is universal across the entire spectrum of humanity, rich or poor, liberal or conservative. Shielding our children from it will not help them when they experience it time and again in their lives. The result is a bunch of young adults who believe they can ALL be winners ALL the time. Young adults who are ill-equipped to deal with the reality that part of life is suffering, and much of it unfair. Plus, failure is what teaches us. Makes us grow. If we prevent our kids from ever failing, how will they deal with it when it inevitably occurs?

It reminded me of when I got beat up by my friend (until then anyway) and his friend next door. We were playing what? I think it was freeze-tag, and I can't recall what the misunderstanding was, but there was some shouting and then my friend and his friend were on top of me pounding their fists into my eye sockets. Somehow I wriggled out and ran all the way (next door) into my house crying. My mother asked what was wrong and I told her that they had attacked me and punched me over and over in the face. I thought I'd be coddled and pet. No. I can't remember exactly what she said, but in essence, "It's your own fault for getting into a fight." Oh how I harbored resentment over that for years. Of course I was no longer friends with the next door kid. Barely ever spoke a word to him again. But I learned an important lesson there. Sometimes bad things happen to us and there will be no retribution, no coddling, no, the injustice must be swallowed, digested and from there we can move on. Indeed, every time I cried "that's not fair" as a kid, the invariable response was, "neither is life."

(I'm getting better, it's morphed into a snotty cold, I'll live.)

Ugh, again

I was in such a funk yesterday as spouse and I silently prepared for the day. I just didn't feel good. We exchanged our customary good-byes sans the kiss. I got on the bus feeling really bad, the sun hurt my eyes and geez this bus is cold and I just kept berating myself for having that second martini, after all, what else could explain my physical suffering. I got a coffee to sip during class, I wasn't hungry in the least for lunch, even though we all usually eat lunch at the lunchtime class. As I sipped, it felt like I could actually do this, teach this class, and forget about my lousy aches and pains for two hours. I waited and waited and nobody showed up. All absent. When I got home I got the shivers really bad and took a bath. Then the shivers again when I got out and I jumped in the bed to warm up. What's going on here? I got out the thermometer and was so relieved to see I had a fever, 101. Ah that explains it, now I can let myself off the hook. I canceled my other class and camped in bed and watched Oprah for the first time in 8 years.

This morning is a bit better, the eyeballs don't hurt quite as much, so I'm going to give it a go and teach my first class. Then I'll reassess. Hope your day is better than mine. Peace.

Spatting

As I was preparing my morning bagel yesterday, I discovered a hidden cave in my tub of cream cheese. This cave occupies at least a fourth of the container of cream cheese. It's hard to tell, but the whole middle is a big air bubble. Thank the baby christ child (hi Kevin!) there's a number on the tub to call if you are not satisfied. I'll be calling today. What do you think they'll do?

We are blessed with sunshine and spring temperatures. The snowpack scoffs at such things and though it is shrinking, it's going to be another couple of weeks until it's really gone. Oh and I thought spouse was cute with his rugged unshaved look.

We crossed the St Lawrence river yesterday and you can see the broken chunks of ice still littering the channel. That water is cold. It's cold like the atmosphere here this morning. Last night, spouse and I argued about, gee what could it be? Yes, money again. And this morning we are not really communicating with each other. He is especially good at this "cold war" game as I've seen him stew in silence for several days before. Good. Let him stew. I'm busying stewing myself. Anyway, this only happens when we overdrink. We had both had two king size martinis before we started spatting, and frankly the argument was really stupid. Doesn't matter, once that alcohol gets in touch with aggression, it's a losing game. I'm hopeful we'll be fine tomorrow.

Sun equals less onerous

Sara seems to be better now. She slept through the night as did I. Well that's not entirely true, spouse did one of his leg spasmy things in the bed and since his toenails are way overdue for clipping, it felt like he was cutting my foot with multiple razorblades. That woke me up and I protested with a heyyyyy, and then spouse responded in his sleep, "Don't hurt me!" I had to laugh a little. See a few days ago, when I went back to bed after getting up to pee, I thought spouse hadn't come to bed yet and I plopped myself back into bed and rammed my elbow squarely into his skull. I was as surprised as he was, though he was inordinately angry about it. How many days of I'm sorry does he want?

In other news, there is none. Though the weekend is largely chore committed, the sun is present and that just makes everything less onerous. The best part of yesterday was reading the paper sitting on the patio amongst the melting piles of ice and snow and soaking up the first rays of the season. Today our friend has promised poutine at Costco for helping pick up a recent purchase for him that won't fit in his car. Sounds like a great deal to me!

This n that

Sara still has the runs, and she woke me up to tell me at 2am, 3:30am, 4:30am and 6am. This makes loving feelings for the pooch difficult to access. She hasn't had anymore accidents in the house, but I can see she has that crampy, feeling like you have to go all the time feeling. I gave her a few chunks of cheese yesterday to try to get things firming up. She's still eating fine and her nose is cold and wet, so I think she'll be fine. Just a little stomach bug I hope.

I came out of my midday class yesterday horrified to see heavy snow falling outside. It was supposed to rain yesterday, but it didn't, it snowed. Big wet heavy snow.

This was as I walked home from the metro. April 4th. This better be the last time, I just can't take anymore.

I found out some news yesterday that really sucker punched me. Seems the Ritz-Carlton in Hong Kong is being torn down to make way for an office building. The Ritz is only 15 years old, and I know because I helped open it and that's where Serge and I spent our first night together. We've always said that one day we would return. But now that won't be possible, since they're destroying it. Apparently office space is more profitable in that location than a hotel. That hotel will only exist in our memories now, much like the wild spaces I played in growing up. They're all covered in asphalt now.

Snippets

* I've been reading about the Black Party in NYC last weekend. I've never been to that particular party, but as I read that the entertainment included bloody mock decapitations and men being sodomized by large objects (who wants to see someone stick a baseball bat up their butt?) I don't think I'll be attending any time soon. Maybe I'm a prude, but I can't help wrinkling my nose in "ick" at the whole debauched thing.

* Sara's been sick this week. She got into the full kitchen trash while we were at the cabane a sucre and who knows what she consumed. She's peed and shat twice in the house since then. Day before yesterday, when I woke up at 2am to go pee, I stepped in a pile of her cold diarrhea. That stirred up the stench and I started doing the gagging dance, hopping on one foot with a pee boner. Then I cleaned it up alternately furious and worried about the pooch. When I got home yesterday from work, she had left another liquid mess on my dirty clothes next to the bed. Serge used it as an opportunity to say, "That's why you put your clothes in the hamper."

* I read about the top ten interview mistakes from an informal survey of HR managers. My two favorites were: The candidate asked the interviewer for a ride home after the interview. The candidate smelled his armpits on the way to the interview room.

* Has anyone used that new (at least to me) detergent that is for washing black garments? Supposed to prevent fading. Does it work?

* And how do you make bold and italics in the comments (I try to use the tags but it always says it's wrong.). And how do you respond to a comment within the same comment. I see other bloggers do this, so I feel stupid that I don't know how.

* My entire revenue for March went to my income tax payment. Mailed it yesterday. Sigh.

* Got some great news, our friend Bob is joining us on the Mediterranean cruise. We cruised together last time and had an absolute ball together. Everybody talks to Bob and vice versa. It's like a non-stop show around him. Last time, one night at dinner, the old guy next to Bob (what was his darn name...) was talking about his open heart surgery. Dinner time is supposed to be a classy affair in the dining room on a cruise ship. Bob said, "I bet that left quite a scar!" Then the old guy unbuttoned his shirt to show Bob the scar, much to the horror of the old guy's wife and daughter beside him. The old guy also told Bob that God loved him and the proof was that he was on this cruise. I hope we have more quirky dinner mates this time too.

* Here is my cuss o meter rating for the blog:


Created by OnePlusYou

Another meme

I got this meme from Adam.

1.) What was I doing 10 years ago?
Same thing I'm doing now. Breathing, eating, sleeping, working.

2.) What are 5 things on my to-do list for today (not in any particular order)
1. Work
2. Collect rents
3. Water plants
4. Read
5. Return CDs to the library

3.) Snacks I enjoy
Sweet and salty peanut bars, hummus and crackers, guacamole (I will never tire of this), black licorice

4.) Things I would do if I were a billionaire.
1. Give at least half away, probably most
2. Buy Serge the house he always dreamed of here and somewhere else where it's warm in the winter.
3. Travel
4. Stop working for money
5. Start exploring the things I don't have time to explore due to work. (I feel like this sentence is disingenuous. Why don't I find the time to do what I want to explore?)

5.) Three of my bad habits
1. Picking at my crack
2. Smoking
3. Driving with a leadfoot

6.) 5 places I have lived:
1. Calle Ganador
2. Castile Lane
3. King's Road
4. Cherry Avenue
5. Rue Ste-Catherine

7.) 5 Jobs I have had:
1. Staple remover
2. Camp counselor
3. Dining room captain
4. Model
5. English Teacher

I, like Adam, don't wish to tag people, but feel free to do it if you'd like.

Mocking season open

Seriously, I can't even watch this. And please don't feel obliged to either. It's just to prove that I do know all the words to at least one song. Now go ahead and mock.

Can't be explained

I read in the paper yesterday that the deer are dropping dead around here. Seems the voluminous and longstanding snow has robbed them of their usual spring bounty. They are being seen in unlikely places (like next to the freeway) as they seek out edibles. It's raining today so that should help get rid of some snow, but it's going to be a while before it's all gone. I was surprised to learn that there are deer on the island, though there is some fairly untouched land on the western side. Anyway, they are feeding other meat eaters when they die, such as coyotes and crows.

Also, in the same article they talked about the mysterious hibernating bears at the ecomuseum. Turns out that the bears have emerged from hibernation like clockwork in the third week of March for the last 20 years. But this year they are still sleeping and now it's April. Why are they sleeping in? Do they somehow know that spring hasn't quite arrived yet around here? All the experts are unable to explain the phenomenon. I laughed when I read that part. Duh. The animals have a connection to nature that we (westerners) severed long ago. All the old native tribes maintained this connection with nature, learned to read her signs, learned the moves of her dance, communicated with her, thanked her, understood that she is our creator and that we all share an umbilical cord with her. Nowadays, we predict weather with satellites and radar, we understand the mechanics of volcanism, and we can explain earthquakes, lightning, sunsets and gravity. But we look at all these things now as something clinical, to be observed and manipulated to our ends. In a way, science has cut our umbilical cord to the planet, and we are starting to see the results of this separation. But the bears, see, they're sleeping because they know there's still 3 feet of snow on the ground outside. They know because they are still connected to the planet.