Grieving is a lot like having your heart broken. I can see that now. I was a wreck all day Thursday and much of Friday which I suppose should have been predicted. It was best when I was teaching and had no choice but to focus on the matters at hand. If left alone, my thoughts kept replaying the final moments and the cold hard facts of her death. I was amazed at how quickly the barbituate cocktail put her to sleep, arrested her breathing and finally halted her heartbeat. Her eyes stayed open and her ears up in the attentive position.
I got lots of crying out of the comments on the last post. Spouse said he had never seen me cry. I have cried a lot in movies, but not in this heaving, sobbing way. Well, now he's seen enough for a lifetime, honestly I think I've cried more than since I was a kid, and even then never this prolonged. And I was quite the crybaby as a child.
It's as if home is missing some important element, like the toilet or the air, and it's just not the same. I find myself missing even her irritating habits which became more and more frequent in her old age. I have to remind myself not to reserve a little portion of what I'm eating for her. I have to remind myself that I don't have to be careful when scooching my chair since she is likely lying right behind me. I don't have to worry about stepping in her increasingly frequent "gifts" indoors.
What really helped me though was when I searched "sara" on the blog and read all the posts I had mentioned her in. There were probably a hundred, oh how I loved, nay still love her. It was good as I detailed the progression of her old agedness and made me feel like we really did the right thing at the right time and in the right way. I'm still crying but I'm hoping to be cry free by the end of the weekend.
Each cry is like I'm wringing a wet towel. I'm hoping it will be wrung dry soon.
Here's something funny. There was the vet lady and her assistant who arrived. The nice vet lady asked sara's age and weight and commended us on our longtime enjoyment and care of such a fine animal. Then the issue of money was handled ($210) and she explained that they would shave a little spot on her leg, insert a stint and administer the barbituates. This is how it went down and serge and I stroked her while it all took place and finally she told us, "She's been gone for a good little bit now, I'm just going to check her heart." Then serge and I lost our composure and both she and her assistant stroked us while we broke down. Then the assistant said, "I need to change jobs."
Many people recommend getting another pet swiftly. We have discussed this many times and spouse and I have agreed to be pet free for at least a year. We tailored our lives around an animal for the last 14 and I know we'll do it again. We just want to have some more liberty for a spell, the chance to pop away for the weekend or stay out of the house longer than 10 hours.
I'm very moved by the outpouring of support and sympathy. My sincerest thanks to all of you.