Monday, January 15, 2007

Emptied


What is your biggest fear? "Not to succeed in life," was nude dancer's written response. As I was cleaning up the mountain on the desk, a paper detailing every person that has "wronged" him was there, explaining his resentment towards his family members and acquaintances. This had fallen out of a folder of his writings and included a long psychological survey. I cleared a corner of the bed and sat down to get in touch with my inner voyeur. It was painful stuff, the kind of things you read on Post Secret. Began stealing at the age of 8, refined his skills and stole every day until he was 16 and got caught. He learned early on to manipulate people to achieve his ends. He is very proud of this ability and knows how to play the angel. "I played the angelic kid well, always happy and excited. But inside, I hated everything and I just wanted to die." He hates his father, who beat him regularly and never believed in him. He blames his father for poisoning the relationship with his wife and turning his mother against him. He seeks vengence on those who hurt him, he has destroyed reputations by spreading falsehoods. He has nothing to be afraid of, and yet he is always afraid.

My hands were shaking as I read it. But at the same time, it confirmed what I suspected. A fucked-up childhood led to a fucked-up adulthood, perhaps a psychopath in the making. I put the papers back into the folder and boxed it up with his other things. His penmanship was impeccable.

It took about 5 hours to pack up and move everything to the garage. Posted an ad in the evening and we already have someone to come look at it this evening. Today, my legs are noodles.

30 comments:

Ed said...

Put ND in your past. Breath a sigh of relief and start over. The apartment looks so clean. Serge must be tired. If I lived near Montreal and had a good job I'd want to live there. Good luck in finding a better tenant. Then they'd almost have to be.

Jane said...

Good luck tonight. I'm glad this chapter is nearly over for you.

Timmy said...

well, good riddins! best of luck with the appointment this evening!!

Bob said...

I love "his penmanship was impeccable" in contrast to all the muck he lived in.

Sad that he’s sabotaging himself and making his biggest fear come true.

If nothing else, he's a great character to write about, and he'll be out of your physical life very soon.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. I know that may sound weird, but I get the impression that you are grieving for him. And you should. He has systematically destroyed everything in his life. Yet you still want to believe that deep down he could be a good guy. You and Serge took the only course of action left to you. And you needn't feel bad. That fact that you feel this way says alot about you as a person. It's why I keep reading.

dirk.mancuso said...

Anonymous took the words right out of my mouth.

Thanks for sharing yourself with us every day.

Anonymous said...

It is a shame to hear about such bad tidings from someone who obviously needs to get help to find the good in life again. But it can only happen through his own willingness to change. Dont feel bad though, you have an obligation to your own well being first and foremost...xox

Anonymous said...

Tough love. It's good that you feel bad that he's in that situation (it shows that YOU are a good person despite perhaps feeling otherwise kicking him out), but know that it's not up to you to fix it for him. He obviously needs help. Maybe if enough people don't fall for his shit and lies, he will learn that he can't get away with it all. He can't always play the "angel" card and escape responsibility or repercussions.

Anonymous said...

Hey, noodle legs! (Sorry, I couldn't help myself.)

ND sounds like he's been a train wreck his whole life. His self-fulfilling prophecy is proof that life is what you make it. This whole story still reminds me of the movie Pacific Heights, which makes me shudder. At least the property is ready and rentable now. Things are looking up fo you both!

Anonymous said...

Wow.

I don't know if my "inner good girl" would have allowed me to read such private stuff. Of course, if it was there in front of me...

You had a chance to see deep into his private thoughts -- that made him human -- and is what made you sad.

What if ND had a chance to read his father or his mother's private writings? What if he was able to see them as people instead of just those who "wronged" him?

What if ND read your blog? And heard, really heard, what you thought of him?

All conjecture... I'm glad he's out, the apartment looks like a pretty nice place, and I'm sure you'll rent it to a decent person soon.

GayProf said...

A fucked-up childhood led to a fucked-up adulthood

Maybe -- but there are lots of people with fucked-up childhoods who turn into more careful and considerate adults.

Those look like nice floors.

kev said...

The scraps of our lives tell so much about our inner hidden world. And I shake too...knowing how much of our fragile psyche is hardwired by early childhood, and the nude dancer is succumbing to those terrible behaviors learned in youth to deal with this fucked up world. The sins of the father (abusive behavior) are seen in the son.

So tragic, and yet how to help those who cannot or choose not to help themselves??

Spider said...

Yea - WOW... again, even with the grief he caused you all, I do feel sympathy for ND - not for what he did you you all, but for what he is doing to himself - he is trying to fix his world in his own fucked up way... which leads to the distructive behavior he is showing... it is a sad, sad cycle.

I hope you all have some nice, sane, healthy and happy renters in the unit - it looks like a beautiful place - LOVE the floors and the windows!

Anonymous said...

I frequently wonder what happens in empty rooms before they are wiped clean and passed onto their next occupants...

Anonymous said...

Give yourself space to just 'be'. What an emotional rollercoaster this entire nude dancer thing has been for you and Serge. Although I don't know you, except from your words on my computer screen, I will say that I am proud of the way you've handled this situation. So, just breathe, torn, and let it go. Hopefully it's now over for good.

I hope that the next person who rents this apartment is a landlord's dream tenant.

Patricia said...

one word: references

David said...

Cathartic and I can't think of a better way to end that chapter and start the next one.

Lightning Bug's Butt said...

After his father was done beating him, I should hope somebody stepped into the breach.

That's frighting that he keeps a written record of the people who wronged him. And the perfect penmanship spells "serial killer."

anabel said...

Insightful post. I've known people who have turned around a shitty childhood. It's hard to say why some can and some can't. Too bad anyone has to.

Snooze said...

Beautiful post, and I love anonymous' take as well. I remember finding a letter on the floor after a jerk of a roommate had moved out and stiffed me for rent. I didn't know him well, but this letter was from his mother and she asked him in part, "I don't know how you manage your money". It was kind of sad though. It was a typed letter and she even typed the closing - Mom. There was no hositility, but no affection in it either.

Sunshine said...

This is profoundly sad. I know he has affected a lot of people negatively in his life but it's always sad for me to see a life wasted. Yes, there are heaps of people who had just as shitty a childhood like he did but came good. IN the end though, the fact is - this particular one hasn't and he's destroying himself because of it. :(

Adam said...

Sounds like you had a text book sociopath living there. I say its a good thing that you got him out. Hopefull he'll find some help in the future.

Anonymous said...

That is sad, but at least you got a little bit of an insight to this guy. Quite bizarre.

Maybe you should have your next tenant fill out a similar psychological survey? That might help weed out the crazies.

Just an idea.

Lewis said...

Wow! You've been down quite a long trail with this guy. And to end up this way. Crazy. Thanks for bringing us all along on this journey. Sad sad sad.

David said...

Lightning Bug's Butt has it right. Even before I came to the comment page, I thought all of ND's writing screams serial killer.

But, even I felt a little sad for him, learning about his shitty life. The thing is, he knows he has a problem, but as long as can manipulate people, he'll never find peace.

Serial killer, or dead body found in the woods. Not much of a future.

But moving on, hope you do fill the empty place quickly.

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

I LOVE hardwood floors. I might move to Canada just to live in a room like that.
It does sound like Lap Dancer is pretty far along in the cycle of sociopathy that he's been on. But even so, if he chooses to release his hatred and start to do the right thing, he could still build a life.

Or he could screw over the wrong guy and be dead tomorrow.

You handled it well, my friend.

Anonymous said...

Once again, Rebekah hits the nail on the head. The difference between people who overcome a shitty childhood and people who don't is hard wired into their personalities I think. And if they have no support or they have learned a lot of self destructive survival skills it is a slippery slope to self destruction. I am SO glad for you that he is finally GONE, but I hope he gets it together, for his sake and his kid's sake too. You never cease to amaze, my legs would have been noodles too. Devo

Polt said...

I just felt sad for him, until you mentioned the perfect penmanship. That kinda moved the whole thing into the freakish category. Sad sad fellow. Good thing he's out of your life....mostly.

HUGS....

Mark in DC said...

I'm furious at nude dancer for not keeping his word and for treating you & Serge badly. But after the writings you shared, I'm quite sure that now I pity him more than I dislike him. As you said, an F'ed up childhood that led to an F'ed up adulthood. And there's probably a lot more F'ing up to come from him before he turns his life around, if he ever does. Its really sad.

Paul Brownsey said...

Even tho' ND was apparently writing for his own eyes only about how he was how he was because of an awful childhood, and even tho' he may have believed it, it doesn't follow that it's true.

It is one of the governing myths of the age that bad behaviour can be explained by bad treatment in childhood, and the templates our culture hands us for understanding ourselves encourage us to try to root what we do in what was done to us as children. Someone who stelas will be encouraged to think that this has something to do with having love withheld in childhood, and then they will rewrite their biography to fit that handed-to-them pattern: "Yeah, there was that time Dad didn't come to see me in the school play," etc. But it's another question entirely, whether any of this self-interpretation is TRUE, even if the person believes it very, very sincerely indeed.