Friday, February 29, 2008

Shitsnippets

* I got a kick out of penning these. Please excuse the self indulgence.

* Somebody mentioned the "vaporized shit" effect the other day as a reason for having a cover on your toilet bowl. In case you don't know about this, when you flush, some shit particals are emitted like an aerosol and waft all over your bathroom and settle onto places such as the bristles of your toothbrush. Sounds uber icky, I know. I don't get too narded up about such information, I figure we've been shitting in close proximity to one another for milennia, and I'm sure our bodies are used to filtering out any unwanted natural particles.

* Anyway, the only time I ever closed it was to sit down to put my socks on. It feels weird now to sit there with my pants on as I dress my feet.

* One of my students told a hilarious story about her aunt yesterday. Somehow we got onto the topic of shit. (Not hard to imagine given that I'm the teacher.) Seems her aunt and mother were out on the town and went into a swank watering hole after dining out. Upon entering, the aunt just had to go and went into the dark bathroom, squatted and OH MY GOD THE LID IS DOWN, splattered all over her fur coat which she was wearing but holding the length of it off to the side of the toilet. She got out of the bathroom and hustled up to her sister, "We have to go now." And her sister responded, "Something smells funny." "NOW NOW we have to go NOW," she wailed. I didn't think it was possible to crap your coat until I heard that story.

* At Home Depot, there is a no return policy on toilet seats that have been opened. They come in a box with a strip of packing tape over the end. Serge didn't open the box but when he returned it, the man at the return counter opened it to verify that the screws etc were there and then said, "We can't take back a toilet seat with the box open." I am not kidding. Of course Serge pointed out that it was the guy who had opened it and the clerk got all huffy and said, "The box is open though now, so I it can't be returned" Serge made him get the manager but a quick phone conversation with the manager was all it took. Their policy is for "hygenic reasons".

* The perfect shit:* Here's how immature I once was (still am?). Em's daughter was a baby. They were at our house in California and Em went into our bedroom to change the diaper. Immediately the most acrid smell swirled through the entire house. I grabbed my camera and went in for a look. It was like half of the volume of her body had come out in the form of brown gook. Ghastly. I snapped a picture, impressive as it was, and vowed to give it to her on her 16th birthday in a locket. I still have it and have amused myself over the years with the idea. But now, girl is nearly that age and there's no way I will have the heart to do it.

* Okay one more. This is about my ex. He tells a story of the first time he had the buttsecks. He was a teenager and he slept over at a mature man's home. Once they were finished, laying in the dark smoking cigarettes, my ex felt a hard lump in the bed and pulled it out with his hand and asked the mature man to turn on the light. He complied and there the ex was holding his own turd in his hand. Can you imagine? If you only knew how fussy and clean the ex was because that makes it all the funnier.

21 comments:

CoffeeDog said...

Why is poo always cause for laughs? :-)

ChickenStrip said...

Heh heh. I love this. And that ideal bowel movement? Where on earth did you find that?

David said...

Once I caught a "whiff" of the topic of this post, I skipped to the bottom. Everyone enjoy yourselves, I'll be back tomorrow.

Petie said...

Regarding the "vaporized shit", Mythbusters had done an experiment on this. They put wet toothbrushes on racks in various distance from the bowl and one as a control in another area altogether. Then after a month, they collect the samples, have them tested for germs at a lab.

The results? They all have the same level of germs. So other than your own sense of disgust, it post no health threat.

Anonymous said...

What made Spouse's story all the funnier was tht he was only 6 years old. JK. I went to a place yesterday that had two floors and on the first floor only ladies restrooms. The men's room was on the upper floor. Several men were racing about trying to find a place to poop and pee. Ed

Jeff said...

I think that's why I'm basically a dog person. I don't have a problem stooping and scooping, but the idea of changing diapers for years on end... well, it's simply gastly. :-)

em said...

Oh, I think you should.

Also, how can it be that I never heard that story. Really. You must be far more mature than you ever let on...

Adam said...

My favorite is the toilet seat down one. The schadenfreude of it all is just too divine!

Dantallion said...

You do for poo what Ikea does for affordable furniture. ;)

Cooper said...

Do you have that "Ideal bowel movement" poster framed and hanging in your bathroom?

Also, I was going to solicit potty training tips but, perhaps not ... :)

RoxRocks said...

I have this strange sensation that this post was for me.

THAT makes my day!

Polt said...

I don't believe I have ever read so much about poo at once time...and with such interest.

See that's what a great writer you are, you can make poo interesting and worth reading about.

HUGS...

Perplexio said...

Have you seen The Road to Wellville? There's some exceptional potty humor in that film.

Oh and I tagged you on a meme.

GayProf said...

Funny -- Somebody was just telling me a story quite similar to your fussy ex's. Clearly the public schools need to do a better job about educating young people on the ins and outs of buttsecks.

Mark in DE said...

Wow, this post was really shitty! In the good way, of course.

Mark :-)

Laverne said...

How do you not know you've... uh... passed a turd after the...um... as you call it... the buttsecks?

man, no way anyone's going in my back door. That's about as appealing to me as wrapping my nostril around a doorknob.

Then again, it's not like anyone is near any of my...um... entryways.

dirkmancuso said...

Oh, that last one is frightening.

And something my mother didn't discuss during the buttsecks talk she had with me last week...

Java said...

Where in the world did you find the features of a perfect shit? Who writes that stuff and who looks it up? (I mean, besides you of course)

If indeed you chose NOT to give darling 16 year old girl that picture in a locket, that will be strong evidence that you have matured, at least a bit, in the last 16 years. Can you take that much pressure???

BentonQuest said...

If anyone needed this site, it is you!

http://www.ratemypoo.com/

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

I love buttsex, but I hate "the buttsecks."

The less you know about me, the more interesting I seem said...

I'm guessing you thought the 2girls1cup vid was a real hoot. But let's not even go there. Oops too late.