Saturday, March 18, 2006

33 hours and counting

Well I made it the first day. That means that I am capable. Capable of being an asshole that is. There was just no happy feeling shit yesterday, and when Spouse came home after Happy Hour, tossed his cigs on the coffee table, pulled one out and readied to light it, I about lost it. Picture this:

There's me in my jammies gnashing my teeth, working on knitting the scarf for him, watching I Love Lucy the second season, and slowly adding to the detritus of wrappers on the coffee table - drumstick, beef jerky, gummi bears, etc. It's after nine, and I am so close to the finish line for the day, I can taste it. I can't wait to go to bed, because only then will I escape the terrible withdrawal symptoms. Like every cell of my being craves something, and I know what it is, but I can't give in. So he arrives a bit wobbly from the libations and gets all ready to talk to me and does the cigarette thing I already described. Horrified, I whine, "What are you doing, how can you do that to me, that's, that's ....", and then my mind does silly things like contemplate having one. He responds with a dozen sorrys and rushes back to the smoking room in the back (same room where the exercise equipment is) . I stay put.

When he came back, I don't really remember what happened, but I know that I eventually called him a bad name, (it doesn't matter that I can't remember why, he deserved it, or at any rate, I deserve to be able to call him a bad name on the first day of no smoking) and went to bed.
And now I'm awake again to face day two, another day of jagged thoughts and barbed feelings. How come it's supposedly harder to quit cigarettes than heroin, but I don't get to have any methodone? You know, a little methodone would be nice I bet, really rout out this dagger of angst inside.

Or general anasthesia, can I sign up for three days of that? Why, that would be the way to go, just skip these first three days, poof, erased from conciousness.

Ok, I'll go, have a good weekend, I think you know how mine'll be.


nongirlfriend said...

I didn't make it, Tornwordo. I hope you fare better.

Snooze said...

Are you on the patch? Anyhow, best wishes. I'm amazed you're able to post while going throught this.

Stink Foot said...

Some one needs to roll up yesterday’s newspaper and smack you upside the head a couple of times. Get off your pathetic ass and get it done. You know what it takes to get through the first three days. You have done it before. Keep your resolve. When some inconsiderate so and so lights one up in front of you, don’t just sit there pathetically, get off your ass, excuse yourself and go outside or to another room. You are the one doing this so take the bull by horns. Hell if I were there I would be glad to smack you upside the head a few times with yesterday’s newspaper.

Colleen said...

Interesting method of motivation, stink foot. :)

I feel compelled to check in and see how you're making out, and will be each day. Congrats on day one!!

One of the hardest things about quitting smoking is the lack of "tangible benefits". Like dieting for example - if you stick with dieting, people eventually notice the weight loss and you feed upon the "wow, you look great!" and "you bitch!" :) comments as motivation for carrying on. Quitting smoking is much more subtle in the feedback department unless you keep announcing how many days, etc. So I'm here to tell you to KEEP ANNOUNCING HOW MANY DAYS, THE NEXT MILESTONE, etc etc and we will all be here rooting you on!! :)

toobusyliving said...

MY doctor recently asked me if I had ever tried the patch, and I said "Just for transatlantic flights." I'm scared to even try and quit smoking - I never have. IT is something I should do, I know, but I guess I just need more inspiring and successful stories like yours!!

Chunks said...

Oh Tornwordo, your post broke my heart! I remember those exact feelings of withdrawl, and I used the patch too. The patch takes care of the nicotine addiction but what about the other 4999 chemicals that invade your body when smoking? Breathe in and breathe out and remember that YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! Cry, punch, scream, throw fits if you have to, just don't smoke.

You need to make your home smoke free, make spouse quit too or smoke outside. That will make a HUGE difference. (Smoking in the excercise room, isn't that ironic?) And drink TONS of water in a water bottle, it will help flush out the toxins and help the oral fixation. If I can do it, anyone can, and I did! You can too! I'm rooting for you!

GayProf said...

Keep it up! Spouse, being a smoker himself, I am sure understands the difficult things you are going through in the next few days.

PĂȘcheuse said...

Congratulations on Day ONE!! Call if you need to yell at someone - I'll listen.

Rebekah said...

Go Torn, go Torn!!!

Tangible benefits are many. Your clothes won't smell like cigarettes anymore, you'll have more lung capacity to go up a flight or seven of stairs without being out of breath. Your coughing will abate. Your friend Rebekah will jump up and down with joy for you. You'll save money. You'll help the environment. Your sense of smell and taste will improve. You'll probably live longer. No more yellow fingers. You'll save money. Oh, I already said that? Well, I know how much you like to save...

Go Torn Go!

Anonymous said...

Good job making it through Day One!! Quitting is very brutal but totally do-able and so worth it. Chunks is right, your home needs to become non-smoking, it will decrease your spouse's smoking which is always a good thing! When I quit, I didn't use a patch but I was not a heavy smoker. I found that taking the day in 5 or 10 minute increments and deep breathing my way through each craving really helped me, but do whatever you damn well have to do in order to conquer it!! Working out helps too! I wish you all the strength and resolve available and am so rooting for you!!! And give yourself all the permission in the world to be grumpy-it is hard!!!

Em said...

Aw, poor you. You can see why I married Stinky now I guess. We do good commenter, bad commenter so well.

I would offer advice (I have none) support (You seem to have plenty) or pleasant generalities (snort), but some anonymous poster on my blog just summed up my whining into a painfully accurate assessment. Who knew I was so trivial?

anabel said...

I'm going to put out some tobacco and pray for you. Funny to pray this way for a person to quit smoking it.

Maybe this symbolic gesture could help you. Next time you feel the urge big time, pray with it instead of smoking it.

Just a suggestion. I have no idea if it would be helpful or not. Anyway, I'm defintetly on your cheering squad.

t said...

Wow, you've given me a little taste of how so very hard it is to quit cigarettes. Everyone I've known in the last 20 years (my Dad was the last) is either a non-smoker or they haven't tried to quit yet.
Hang in there, tornwordo.
I'm hoping - no, I'm counting on - each day that goes by will get a little easier for you.

restless59 said...

You can do this - I did - at least 8 times, but it finally worked. :-)

Look for activities that do not require smoking, a visit to a library, museum.

The final straw for me was after being smoke free for several days or weeks was the HORRID taste of the first cigarette

Hang in there - as others have said. If I can do it anyone, can.

Good Luck

Jess said...

Good luck with this. It's hard, but it's worth it!

Donna said...

i need a clarification.........not smoking cigarettes or not smoking at all? then i can decide whether or not i feel sorry for you

St. Dickeybird said...

Keep it up, Wordo!
It's probably the hardest thing you'll do, and Spouse should let you be a **** for a few days.

As an aside, Wifey just realized that she hasn't seen me smoke in 9 days. lol
It's scary, and it's tough. But you won't stink anymore.

Jason said...

A friend of mine keeps a bunch of toothpicks on him for whenever he has the urge to light up and it helped him. Just a thought.