It is four in the morning. I'm jerked from sleep by shooting pains below the abdomen. This happens from time to time and I always think it's a particularly large knob turning a corner in the intestines. I read that the intestines don't have any pain receptors though, so it could be something else. I change my position feeling the knob shift. It hurts. I get up and go sit on the couch to have a cigarette and see if this will pass. As I sit, I feel slightly nauseous, "Do I need to throw up?" I ask myself. My mouth waters and the knob turns another corner. Ouch. It seems to be getting close to the exit, perhaps I need to dump. Yes, that's it, I need to dump. And it's as though the thinking it makes it very pressingly true. I leave the couch and go sit on the bowl and there is a rather large knob that explodes forth, followed by liquid. The odor reaches my senses and I have to throw up. Now. No waiting. It is only instinct that has my right arm grabbing the little trashcan beside the toilet. The first half of the first WHAAAAAAAAAARSH gets out before the can is positioned correctly but the other 5 gut wrenching heaves make it in. "A first," I think, having never had this unique experience of exploding from both ends at once. I decide that I don't really like it. Spouse, having heard the ruckus, runs in from the other room with a glass of hot water, bless him, and steps into the vomit that missed. He is unusually kind as he slips out of his soiled socks and goes to fetch the mop and bucket. He cleans up as do I. I am fairly nauseated the rest of the day. I learn that the culprit is likely salmonella. I'll never order that delivery submarine sandwich again, I conclude.
I gave it a shot, but I really hate writing in the present tense.
30 comments:
But it's a good perspective exercise to try every now and again.
Writing in 1st person present, that is ... not food poisoning.
Feel better. It's the worst, but it passes relatively quickly.
After eating yougurt that had passed it's prime I experienced what you did. After hurling several times and the explosive diarrhea I felt nauseous for a few days. In fact I had a repeat episode the next morning. Now I can't eat yougurt.
Torn, try writing in the third person. Such as: Torn feels sick. Torn is going to upchuck. Torn exploded from both ends at once. Torn didn't like that at all. Ed
My mate had a similar experience - of blowing out from both ends, due to a flu. I saw it coming and tried to position him for the least amount of decontamination = cleaning up poo and puke.
Needless to say his first poo shot out and hit the wall. I quickly got him positioned for the remainder of the blow out and thought "I hope I never see this again. Shit, I hope this never happens to me."
Buck-up lil' camper and pump-up on electrolytes.
get well soon Torn
Simon @ St. Patricks
Wow...what an experience. Vividly captured, as well...I think the first person helped to bring home more of the urgency (and that awful SFX for hurling was perhaps too accurate).
Hope you're feeling better.
Hzzoy!!
:( I hope you feel better soon.
Extremely vivid. You should write porn stories. ;)
Oh man. Thank goodness Spouse was able to come to your aid. If you think it was from outside food, you should let public health know.
I had the EXACT same thing the other day (read my blog entry). There's some awful bug going around. Three days later I'm still not 100% but at least it's not both ends anymore (just the one).
Been there. It was the fifth of six elements in the Weekend From Hell. I was so sore the next morning that all of my joints hurt, even my fingers. Lying on my death bed, I opened my cell phone bill to find six pages of calls I didn't make. Someone had cloned my phone. (Element number six.) I need to write about this. No one would believe it.
Ibuprofen and water, Torn. Hope you're feeling better.
Yep, food poisoning, I'd recognize those symptoms a mile away. I have had that delightful experience only once before in my life but the trashcan was too far away so I proceeded to vomit all over the wall and floor. Better to clean up that than the alternative I think.
You did well in the present tense. Now I hope you feel better. ;)
Sorry, you had to go through that. It never is a pleasant experience.
We had something similar about a month ago. There are two Mexican canteen RVs that actually make some of the best and most authentic Mexican food. We usually order burritos, his being a beef and mine a chicken one. They are huge and one can make two meals out of it they are so large. Steve had problems with his a little later on in the day whilst mine was fine. The next day, I ate the remainder of his burrito and went through the same gastric malaise. We concluded it was the beef one and this was the first time in all the times we've ordered from them that we had a problem with the food being contaminated. We have stayed away from the RV wagon for a few weeks now and wonder if it was a fluke or a sign that the QA has gone south for this vendor.
Hope you're feeling better today.
"This too, will pass." (pardon the pun, I just couldn't leave well enough alone.) ;-)
As a history guy, I really prefer to write in the past tense.
Sorry to hear that your body is out of sorts. Remember to stay hydrated.
While the timeline sounds about right, double check the incubation period for salmonella. People often blame the last thing they ate which is almost never the cause. Often it was something from the day before or that morning.
Food poisoning is a near death experience.
My one and only bout was on my first trip to Paris with my french lover.
Our romantic getaway week in the City of Light began with a night of eating raw shellfish at a great bistro and ended with several days of us going through much of what you described. Interestingly (and thankfully) we never seemed to explode at the same time - which was a true blessing as the hotel room had only one bathroom.
I have not eaten shellfish since then.
The tense is kinda irrelevant, the disgusting-ness, and your uncomfortable-ness comes through in any tense.
Geez, I hope you're feeling better.
HUGS...
Poor Torn is torn up. :( Sorry! Hope you feel better soon.
I'm so glad I haven't eaten lunch yet. Of course I didn't have to read the entire post, but it really was fascinating.
You are just a hoot! I hope you feel better very soon!
The worst is behind U...have some green tea with honey and rest up!
Be well soon......:)
Get well soon, Torn. But the images you've depicted have been seared into my brain.
Thank You oh so much.
errrpppp.
I don't have a story of simultaneous poo-ing and vomiting; but once at a friends house I drank too much and crashed in their spare bedroom. I woke up at some point and puked all over their WHITE carpet - I had been drinking vodka / cranberry. My poor friend John had to clean the mess up! The next morning, still at their house, I had to take a poo and clogged their toilet up!
Talk about humiliation! Hope you are feeling better, glad that Serge had his socks on. What a sweetie to come running to your aid.
You have delivery submarines?
Dude, I am so impressed by your ability to multitask. Can you Crackberry while doing the projectile vomit/ass explosion thang? That would be impressive.
The inner surface of the intestines may not have any pain receptors (unsure if that's true) but certainly other layers do, plus any inflammation and irritation affects surrounding tissues of the gut and the tissues that hold the guts in place. (Think appendicitis, ileitis, colitis -- all very painful)
I haven't experienced a bout of food poisoning in many years.
What I did have instead was an inner-ear disturbance that sent me into severe vertigo.
It meant I couldn't keep anything down for a few days. And it would stop, then come back, then stop, come back until I finally learned how to control the bad impulses coming from the left ear.
In short, I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. I literally wanted to die.
Every once in awhile the left ear will de-clench or something, which causes me a bit of panic but it subsides with little effort now.
Honey, I feel like that every time I drink too much or have a bad anxiety attack. When you're shooting from both ends, nothing is worse!
Hope you feel better soon.
-Rox
That's something I've (thankfully) never experienced - the exploding at both ends thing. I hope it passes soon (pardon the pun).
aw, i'm sorry you're ill. sounds like you're going to have to do the "brat" diet. bananas, rice (plain, either white or brown), apple (usually sauce with a touch of sugar and a little cinnamon - comfort food for me) and toast (plain, no butter).
if you can hold them down they'll help a lot and are gentle on your digestive system.
I think it's hilarious that you turn food poisoning into a creative writing challenge...
Yes, I would say that this is a bad way to wake up! Left over Chinese food once brought about a similar situation.
Ugh, I have had this exact same experience, except for the sitting on the sofa smoking a cigarette. I was rudely awakened by the pain and immediately proceded to the bathroom where I exploded into the toilet and then vomitted into the sink next to the toilet. Fun.
Mark :-)
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