Tuesday, August 28, 2007

I can't help myself

Some days just don't start right. Yesterday was one of those days. It started when I woke up to hear the coffee percolating in the coffee maker. So charming and wonderful that spouse would set that up for me before going to bed for my first day back to work. Well, it was supposed to be back to work, but I'll get to that. I lay there until it finished percolating and then went to pour myself a cup. It was water. Spouse had forgotten a key element in the coffee making process, the coffee. Sigh. So I poured it all out and prepped a new batch (this time with coffee!) but as I was doing this I got the sudden urge to go. This happens sometimes, just thinking about the coffee can signal my bowels to contract. (Also, incidentally, stepping foot into a clothing store.)

It was really insistent, this urge, but I just wanted to finish making the damn coffee when, OOPS, a tiny (seemingly) ooze slipped out and I threw everything down that I was doing and shuffled my way to the bathroom trying to keep whatever matter-slash-liquid had escaped between my buns. I arrived at the toilet just in time. However, as I was sitting there, I noticed a big blotch of brown on the floor near my foot. Oh my. And then I saw another one by the door. Then I noticed the inside of my leg. This was not a tiny ooze. This was voluminous enough to run down my legs and leave a Hansel and Gretel trail from the coffee maker to the toilet. I frantically set to cleaning up before spouse awoke to mock me relentlessly. (I'm wondering now if this is related to the hemmorhoid ointment.) All of this before I can even have coffee. What a friggin' nightmare. (Though I'm giggling now.)

Drama over, I blogged, showered and dressed in my monkey suit to start the day. I spent several hours doing prep work for classes and then got an email saying the students were absent today in my classes so they are canceled. Sigh.

Today though, really, I start.

28 comments:

Snooze said...

Wow. You crack me up. At least you were in the privacy of your own home when that happened! Are you safe entering a Starbucks?

Ed said...

I knew there was a reason I liked reading this blog. Torn you must be related to my Mom. Entering a clothing store makes her have to go. So does eating at a restaurant and riding in a car.

bardelf said...

Man! What a shitty day!

Lemuel said...

I really think bread or cookie crumbs would be a much better way to find yourself back to the coffee pot! LOL!

So sorry this happened to you, but it lightened my morning and brought back memories of my own "trails".

CoffeeDog said...

Oh I've soiled my knickers in much the same way as you. Even had a bit of it run down my leg. I, however, had had my coffee.

David said...

Yesterday must have been the day of the over-eager bowel movements. I had sudden urges that had to be dealt with while buying vitamins, grocery shopping, and worst of all, riding home on the subway.

art said...

I'm not even sure what to say about this. But I am laughing. Yeah, it's got something to do with the prep h. There should be a warning on the package I think. oh and just so you know... the word verification word i got was rpoty. POTTY! made me laugh again

Cooper said...

This morning I made coffee and didn't center the pot correctly. I came out of the shower to find a pool of coffee all over the counter and dripping onto the floor. I just finished cleaning that up ... I hope this isn't a portend of my day!

Tomorrow I think I will post a poop story just for you.

The Persian said...

yikes... that visual was too much!!

(well it's not like something similar hasn't happened to all of us at one point or another but still...)

Between the Prep-H post and today, this blog is reminding me of Nathan Exposed. lol

:)

Jason said...

For me, just walking into the HMV at Yonge/Dundas in Toronto triggers something. So bizarre.

Steven said...

You know how I love scat stories, right? LOL.

At least it happened at home. Can you imagine it happening at some public event where you can't get to the loo in time?

Come to think of it, don't imagine it.

Patricia said...

is it just me or is poo here a lot more frequently lately.

Polt said...

Maybe you should rename the blog Sticky Buns?

Seriously, dude, you talk more about bowel issues than a proctologist. Although you're much more funny, and much less clinical, when you talk about it.

HUGS>..

Chunks said...

I can't believe you pooped yourself yesterday, blogged about something ELSE and saved the poop story until today! Seriously, how did you sit on that one?!

GayProf said...

Bardelf wins for the best comment in my book.

I hope your return to classes went well.

Ed said...

Wait! after all that you Blogged THEN showered? So you were sitting on this secret the whole time? That cracks me up!
I think this is a wonderfully shitty blog. Hugs (at arms length) Oh WTF! Come here!!!

Lacey said...

OMG. What an absolutely DELICIOUS blog entry!!!

Oh, no, I didnt really say that, did I?

Lyvvie said...

Of all the posts for my husband to read over my shoulder...

last time it was the self-service post.

Sunshine said...

Speechless. You left me complete speechless. :P

Rebekah said...

did you tell spouse about it?

Now, I've done that only once, and I had food poisoning.

And I don't think it's the prep H stuff. I mean, it's topical, not in your digestive tract.

Ew.

dirk.mancuso said...

Another poop story?

God bless you, Torn.

Mark in DE said...

Oh God... Sadly, I know this feeling. Once Spouse & I were driving home from having dinner with his mom when I had a sudden and urgent need to 'go'. We were only a few miles from home but I knew I wouldn't be able to make it so I pulled into a restaurant parking lot and ran inside to use the restroom. Can you believe the men's room door was propped open because one of the staff was cleaning the men's room? I was so desperate I went into the women's room and locked the door.

Thank God we can count on you, Torn, for fabulous stories like this!

Mark

Daniel, the Guy in the Desert said...

Yikes!

David said...

I laughed until I pooped.

Scottsdale Girl said...

It is the SIZING they use, that is what my mom told me, because the SAME THING HAPPENS TO ME WHEN I SHOP, one whiff of new clothing and I gotta poop. Weird? At least there is two of us now!

daveincleveland said...

well, you know what they say.."shit happens".....hehe....hope you have a better day today

Normlr said...

Jason - you and I share something strangely in common with HMV.

Glad you're not afraid to blog about what we all go through at one time or another. I'm lactose intolerant. I'll leave it at that.

dawn said...

You and the poo. Have you thought of writing a book? You've got enough material (so to speak). You might need to do a whole Harry Potter-type series, to fit all of it in. (or out, as it were.)