Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Me me me, blah blah blah

Despite the relentless admonishment of "SIT STILL" during childhood, it seems I am still unable to do so. I can't seem to stay in one place too long, nor focus on one task for much of a length of time either. With the exception of the meditative time-outs,I end up bouncing from one thing to the next, often without having satisfactorily finished the previous activity. It's how I went to take out the trash and ended up watering the plants via folding some clothes. Which reminds me, I need to go finish folding. It's how I went out to buy a card for my cousin's wedding and ended up having a tomato and bocconcini sandwich on olive bread (just like they had on Lido Isle in Venice) via stocking up on gum at the Dollarama. Totally did not get a wedding card even though I was actually inside a store that carried cards. Retard! Anyway, you'd think I lived in some vast mansion the way I get lost going from room to room. But it's not true, I get lost just turning around in my chair to fetch something off the shelf. Something always seems to catch my eye and waylay (weighleigh?) me. It's been particularly bad the last week. This is why the walks are so good. Hours and hours of meditative walking. I've started stopping at corners and surveying. Even walking, I feel like everything is going by too fast. Yesterday I only lasted 3 hours outside, it's getting quite hot and muggy and though I enjoyed popping (I typo-ed pooping first) into the shops and the free-for-the-taking coolness, I had sweat quite a bit and begun to funkify.

They (rehab smokers) say that you learn a lot about yourself when you do something like this. (And if you're sick of the "quitting smoking" posts, stop back in a few months kay?) What have I learned? That I can't get through the newspaper. That I love tootsie pops. That the cravings diminish in frequency but not intensity. That there is a want that can't ever be filled. That I wish the want were a tumour that could be cut out. That meditating seems to provide a paradoxical assuagement and intensifying of ALL THINGS. That if I stress about money, I want to smoke. That I can let the money issues go in order to stay quit. That I will walk miles for good ice cream.

21 comments:

CoffeeDog said...

Keep going!

VatoDiablo said...

The cravings will eventually diminish in intensity, too. Things will settle back down and you will regain the ability to focus. Just hang in there. One day at a time.

Lemuel said...

Your sense of distraction seems also to me a heightened sense of awareness, of noticing things that had been hidden before. It is as if the clouds are parting and the new air is fresh and crisp and clear. You are alive again. So much to see, to notice, to do.

latt├ęgirl said...

I suppose you know that nicotine actually helps short-term concentration. That is why you are having trouble keeping your mind still and/or focused. But as vato said, that will change. I was told that drinking a large glass of water helps a craving go away. So does hopping on a bicycle and riding like your life depended on it.

Keep it up -- you're doing good.

Jeff said...

Quitting smoking is an incredibly hard thing to do - no doubt the hardest thing I've ever done. When I used to swim while I was still smoking, I could only go for 5 or 10 minutes and then have to rest a bit. Four days after quitting smoking I swam for almost an hour straight. I think that was what finally gelled everything for me and I knew - deep down - that I really had to quit this time and, probably for the very first time, I really WANTED to quit for good.

Hang in there. Each passing day it gets a little easier.

Anonymous said...

Reflection is good for the soul. send an E-Mail to a tobacco company and tell them how you feel. Tell them you're free of the stranglehold they had on you and you're not going to be their buffoon ever again. Tell them they've received the last dollar they'll ever get from you. Then go for a walk and enjoy the flowers and stop and smell the Roses. Ed

afod said...

With all the subsequent actions you have taken as a result of quitting smoking, it sounds like you might be losing some weight. Not that it is necessary AT ALL. Although I probably wouldn't "pop" into a dollar store. Then again, in your quest to not worry about money, perhaps stopping at the Dollarama is wiser than stopping at Macy's. :-) Stay on track!

Patricia said...

I'm loving the self reflection stuff. What an added bonus to quitting, huh?

Even though I don't fully understand what it means... Brechi Reborn, indeed.

RJ March said...

Like Lattegirl, I also heard that a glass of water quells craving, and that cravings only last a few minutes.

I am as distracted as you are and fault my ADD and broad peripheral vision for going from one thing to the next.

Brice said...

Keep up the good work! You're through the worst of it. It will get better...

travelling, but not in love said...

you're doing good. keep going. it took my dad three heart attacks before he'd give up.....

Anonymous said...

Oh honey, that ditzy feeling you have? That's me ALL THE TIME!!!!

It's called CRAFT. Can't Remember A Fucking Thing. Embrace your newfound craftiness!

Love ya! And you know what else? You're doing it! IT! You! Are Doing it! Rah rah rah sis boom bah!
-Rox

GayProf said...

Be sure to rinse your mouth out after all those tootsie pops -- All that sugar could lead to serious tooth decay.

It sounds like you are doing great, though!

don said...

Well at least keep masturbating. Seriously. My urologist told me that is important (I typed impotent - heh heh).

Polt said...

Man this post jumped all over the place too. :) Funkify...LOVE it! I'm gonna work that into my everyday vocbulary!

HUGS...

Java said...

I, too, like "funkify." I shared it with my 17 yr old son. He liked it.

I also like your posts about the process to stop smoking. It sounds to me as though you are making really good progress. I'm proud of you. I'm learning a lot just reading what you are learning.

I get lost in my house, going from room to room, doing this, that and the other all at the same time. Having my kids interrupt me with requests for stuff just increases the chaos. I can walk from one end of the house to the other (it isn't a very big house) 5 times and still not do the thing I originally set out to do. It's frustrating. And I don't even smoke!

Mark in DE said...

Maybe you will find that making a list of things to do each day will help keep you on task. I know you've done this with success in the past, so perhaps returning to this (something positive) thing will help you as you try not to return to smoking.

Good luck!

Mark :-)

Greg said...

I really am so proud of you, Torn, and pleased with these posts. I will be referring back to them when my moment arrives as a good example for getting the demon behind me.

A Bear in the Woods said...

I'll bet you couldn't stop giggling when you typed about "pooping" into the shops.

didn't you.

Butch said...

I had to smile when you mentioned going off to do something and end up doing other things. Such is the life of a person my age, Torn. I hate it when I go into a room to get something or do something and forget what I went in there to do. I generally, have to go back out of the room almost retracing my steps to jog my memory. I guess one could say that is how old people get their exercise. ;-)
Thank goodness yours is only temporary.
( The craving get less and less; hang in there!

Lyvvie said...

Have you looked on iTunes for a stop smoking hypnosis session? I bet you could find a free one. Something to chill with before bed, get those positive messages seeped into the brain. Every little helps. You're doing great! Remember, you have freinds who have been through it too - like Rox and I and many more. Keep talking, keep talking.