Despite the relentless admonishment of "SIT STILL" during childhood, it seems I am still unable to do so. I can't seem to stay in one place too long, nor focus on one task for much of a length of time either. With the exception of the meditative time-outs,I end up bouncing from one thing to the next, often without having satisfactorily finished the previous activity. It's how I went to take out the trash and ended up watering the plants via folding some clothes. Which reminds me, I need to go finish folding. It's how I went out to buy a card for my cousin's wedding and ended up having a tomato and bocconcini sandwich on olive bread (just like they had on Lido Isle in Venice) via stocking up on gum at the Dollarama. Totally did not get a wedding card even though I was actually inside a store that carried cards. Retard! Anyway, you'd think I lived in some vast mansion the way I get lost going from room to room. But it's not true, I get lost just turning around in my chair to fetch something off the shelf. Something always seems to catch my eye and waylay (weighleigh?) me. It's been particularly bad the last week. This is why the walks are so good. Hours and hours of meditative walking. I've started stopping at corners and surveying. Even walking, I feel like everything is going by too fast. Yesterday I only lasted 3 hours outside, it's getting quite hot and muggy and though I enjoyed popping (I typo-ed pooping first) into the shops and the free-for-the-taking coolness, I had sweat quite a bit and begun to funkify.
They (rehab smokers) say that you learn a lot about yourself when you do something like this. (And if you're sick of the "quitting smoking" posts, stop back in a few months kay?) What have I learned? That I can't get through the newspaper. That I love tootsie pops. That the cravings diminish in frequency but not intensity. That there is a want that can't ever be filled. That I wish the want were a tumour that could be cut out. That meditating seems to provide a paradoxical assuagement and intensifying of ALL THINGS. That if I stress about money, I want to smoke. That I can let the money issues go in order to stay quit. That I will walk miles for good ice cream.