Scattered

I can't believe this, but I received an economic stimulus check yesterday. Three hundred buckaroos. I'll be a good American and spend it in the casinos of Vegas next month. Doesn't it seem strange to you that I haven't worked or paid taxes in the U.S. for 7 years but I'm still eligible? I still file every year but I only have to pay taxes in the place where I live. Which is here, in Canada. My thoughts feel very scattered these days. I'm not going to mention why since it should be obvious and spouse tells me to stop talking about it which is hard, especially when he's puffing on one of the god-damned things. And just like that, the evil monster pops out. Sometimes it feels like my stomach is digesting razor blades and crushed glass. I know this is a withdrawal symptom and I marvel at its clever insistence. Sometimes that's where/why/when the evil monster comes out. I've been good I tell myself. Very, very good. Breathe.

The secret weapons are these and tootsie roll pops. No biting! Can't bite the tootsie roll pop and you're only allowed to focus on the tootsie pop and its texture, taste, almost imperceptible malliableness, zeroing in, anticipating and tongueing for that little weakness in the shell of hard candy, then crescendoing to the first taste of the brown goo inside. I recommend sitting down and giving it your full attention. This reminds me of the time I bought tootsie rolls for the Japanese kids. They wouldn't eat them. Of course they wouldn't they look like little turds right? Now that reminds me of when the Japanese family served this. I graciously ate them, and begrudgingly even liked them. But kids don't have that skill yet. I need to get some more Japanese students, they're fun. Anyway, where'd I go? I'm having a hard time keeping track of myself. Better run along. (Day three, yay me, yay me!)