Thursday, April 12, 2007

Don't eat with your mouth open

More blank screen staring. This is getting ridiculous. Must grit teeth, hunker down and endure it. Push through the pain. Hello Muse? Hi, you might not remember me. Tornwordo's the name. What's that? Something about an apology? No, no, no apologies necessary. Ohhhh, I'm supposed to apologize. May I ask for what infraction? Oh my, did I really call you the c word? Well, truly, I am deeply sorry. Penance? What do you mean? Oh you mean like community service instead of jail? I'm hip, I'm game. ...

My penance is Thursday Thirteen. Another list. Oh boy.

13 Modern Rules of Courtesy

1. Bear right. This is North America. We drive on the right and we pass each other in the hall on the right. The same goes for stairs, escalators, and busy subway corridors.

2. We do not gun the vehicle when the light turns yellow. This jeopardizes the safety of others. As does tailgating. Stop it.

3. When a new line at the market opens, you acknowledge the presence of others also waiting. You do not dash, refusing to look at others in order to be first.

4. In restaurants, you do not send your food back because "you don't like it". You may only send the food back if the server or chef made a mistake. Even then, the polite thing to do is eat it and shut up.

5. When ordering food, one should remain polite. May I have, Can I have are fine. Gimme, not so much.

6. Pick that up. Even if you didn't drop it. Why don't we get it. If we all just picked up one piece of litter a day, think how much cleaner everything would be.

7. That ipod music you're listening to on your bus/train ride to work? Yeah. I don't want to hear it. Turn the volume down. We can hear it.

8. Do not make meme thingies with more than five questions. Too long. Even this is too long.

9. Do not engage in any business that counts on you selling your friends and family on things. Just say no to candle parties, mlm schemes, and especially Herbalife.

10. Treat others the way you wish to be treated. With respect.

11. Wear deodorant. I thought this was common knowledge. Again, this is North America.

12. No spitting. It's not going to kill you to swallow it. I promise. The only exception is the toilet, or if a bug flies into your mouth. But that's it.

13. Please and Thank You should be staples in your vocabulary. Please use Please and Thank you for saying Thank You.


Snooze said...

Here's a list we should all print out and post. I totally agree with item #3. for item #4 though, I have sent food back. I tried a gorgonzola pizza once and hated it. I paid for it and the new pizza I ordered, but explained to the waiter that I just didn't like the flavours - no fault of the kitchen - and wanted to order something else.

dirk.mancuso said...

Amen to #7 and #11!

And Torn -- I'm shocked! Did you really call your muse a cretin?

Anonymous said...

What about talking on your cell in public and not using your inside voice?
No dirk, he called his muse a Charlatan.
Still having trouble commenting. Ed

Lacey said...

THANK YOU for a lovely post. PLEASE post again, soon.

dantallion said...

Lacey beat me to it. I completely agree with everything on your list - particularly 9 & 10. (Although sometimes I have a bit of a problem with #6 - some of the disgustingly horrify things people sometimes drop on the ground will never get anywhere near my bare hands. God bless street sweepers in that case.)

Anonymous said...

I think that every restaurant should display #4 & 5. I can't stand people that send back their food for the dumbest of reasons and then treat the wait staff like dirt.

I especially like rule #12. I think it's gross to walk where someone just spit. Also, I am a firm believer in swallowing....

GayProf said...

While waiting for the bus yesterday I had a teen youth who (I am guessing) had some type of upper respiratory issue. He spit every 90 seconds. I was not impressed. It's just nasty.

Also, for #2, some study came out a few years ago where the majority of drivers imagine that they are fantastic while they also think everybody else on the road is reckless. I don't understand the anger and impatience that controls most people on the road -- Unless I am driving in Chicago.

r said...

Great list. You know I'm with you on the spitting thing.

And the deodorant. God, I hate rank body odor.

Actually, with you on it all.

('cept maybe not returning an item when a waiter or chef has made a mistake. If I order a pizza and it comes with olives, I'm sending it back. It's poisoned!)

Anonymous said...

Very well done!

#4 - hmmm. Can I guess that you were a server in a previous life? LOL! (I already knew that.)

#9 - oh, absolutely! Friendship and family are not marketing tools!

The rest are good as well, but I just had to comment on those two.

Chunks said...

Loved the list!! The yellow light thing is so true in this part of the world, as is the spitting. Even the girls spit, which I find totally offensive. I mean, unless someone has called you the c-word and you must spit in their face, there is no excuse for it. (haah!)

Spider said...

Can we print these out and send them to EVERYONE in North America? What a wonderful list Torn...

Anonymous said...

I don't know about #4. I've never sent a meal back, but if I found a meal I ordered was really distasteful (& couldn't eat it), I would think that any self-respecting restaurant would want to give you the opportunity to eat something else. Craig

dpaste said...

1. Especially in New York, that kind of courtesy is essential. It gets crowded here.

2. I confess that in the rare instances I drive, I have been guilty of that, but usually in a rural setting.

3. Oh, you don't live in NYC do you? It's survival of the fastest here. No eye contact necessary.

4. I rarely do, but if you ordered the steak well and it arrives rare, you have every right to request a correction. My family did choke down an inedible pad thai last summer though. It was a group effort because it was so ghastly.

5. Always. I thank them for refilling my water glass.

6. Unless I have rubber gloves on, even I don't pick up someone else's trash in NYC.

7. Yes

8. Oh, this is fine.

9. I suffered through a decade of my mom's Amway business.

10. Fuck yeah.

11. Unless you're at the Eagle.

12. There's a big PR push for this in China right now because of the pending Olympics.

13. You're welcome.

TJ said...

I couldn't agree more to each and every one of these things. Well except for #1 because down here in Australia we drive on the left so we also bear left when walking and standing on escalators etc.

Scottsdale Girl said...

What is so hard about bearing right I ask? I asked a left-handed friend once if it was natural for him to bear left (hoping to explain some of the stupidity) and he looked at me like I was Princess Di.

Great list!

Scottsdale Girl said...

OK he looked at me like I was a complete moron, not Princess Di.

abnitude said...

great post for punishing yourself. i really enjoyed this. #8 made me laugh and i think my other favos were #10 and #11.
all the rules you listed are good barometers of courtesy.

A Bear in the Woods said...

Should be magnetted to every refrigerator in the land.

Enemy of the Republic said...

Instead of the ten commandments, can we have these carved in stone and put on all public North American buildings?

about a boy said...

well said.

evilganome said...

Okay, everything except #11. If one practices proper hygiene it is not necessary, and frankly there are too many people out there that consider deodorant a substitute for a shower.