Thursday, August 31, 2006

Confession

It's no use hiding it, I'm a smoker. Part of that whole sick/depressed episode centered on my disgust for my failure. It reminded me of my adolescence, and the self-loathing for my attraction to men.

This next part is complete bullshit and a cowardly rationalization.

Two times now, I have quit smoking yet spouse didn't. Both times I lasted about five months as a non-smoker. I just don't seem to be able to "keep the strength" when faced with it morning noon and night. If only he would quit too.

And this part is hopefully not complete bullshit.

I'll be trying quitting again in the upcoming months, but after the stress of sinking the life savings into a property diminishes. (Incidentally, "diminishes" would be in the future tense, were you speaking French.)

Silver lining?

Black market cigs are $20 a carton. I like to think of this as an opportunity to stick it to the man.

(Please don't flog me - I've done enough of that to myself.)

40 comments:

David said...

You can do it. This will not be the toughest thing you have done in your life (though it might feel like it at times). You can do it.

dawn said...

Ahhhh, self-hatred.

No wonder you're having arse problems.

5 months is a long time. You'll do it again. Just think of how great your ass will feel once you quit again.

Lemuel said...

I, for one, am pulling for you that this time you will succeed. I've put my flogger away. I just want you to win this one in the worst way!

Will said...

Best of luck when you try again--I hope you can stick to it since it's one of the most beneficial things you'll ever do for yourself.

Petie said...

You know... Food taste better when you stop smoking ;) Perhaps you can convince your spouse of this.

After all second hand smoking is not healthy either.

Snooze said...

Be good to yourself. You can try quitting again when you're ready, and in the interim, focus on all the wonderful things you have achieved [you and Spouse not just able to stay in the same country but being married, learning French as an adult, staying in shape, investing in property, successfully carving out a career for yourself in Montreal - not a single one of those items is an easy task].

You are amazingly accomplished Torn. Don't let the one obstacle that you haven't overcome yet get you down.

jeremy said...

Its my dirty secret, too. I hope both of us come back to it and kick it out for good.
Best of luck when you decide to try again!

Jane said...

I love your refreshing honesty.

GOod luck when you're ready again.

Sunshine said...

It must be so hard when Spouse is not quitting at the same time. I made Sam quit not long after I met him and because I've never smoked, it was relatively easy for him. I reckon that's way too much temptation for you if someone close to you smokes all the time. Make him quit too. Oh, good luck (with trying to convince Spouse, that is). :)

Timmy said...

wow! i think we are sharing a brain this morning, both our posts have the words 'smoking' and 'diminish' - too strange!

Its all about moral support!

St. Dickeybird said...

You did well, Wordo. You may not have quit permanently, but you freed yourself up for a while and (sort of) got used to not smoking. Which is something to be proud of.

And you're not alone. I've been seeing "my irish friend" a lot more lately, too.
Nick O'teane. Irish, no?

Jack said...

I'll be on that same boat too!?

Probably after the Holidays!?

Anonymous said...

There is a traveling Human Body Show where they have real cadavers that you can see. They have real lungs on display both smokers and non-smokers lungs. When you see the difference you don't want another smoke filled day. I hope it comes to Montreal, if it does go see it! Don't let the Tobacco companies kill you and think of the money you will save each year that you now spend on the Cancer sticks! This goes for spouse as well, we want you both around a very long time and not dragging an oxygen tank around.

mainja said...

whenever john tries to quit i stop smoking too (i'm one of those annoying smokers who smokes a cig a day but can go without if it's more convenient), i'm sure it makes a difference, but it isn't a sure thing.

i'm only saying this so that in the unlikely event that spouse does decides to quit with you and you still have trouble you know not to beat yourself up.

they say the average person quits smoking 7 times before they quit for good.

Jason said...

Wow, I had no idea that black market cigs were that cheap. Is that from Chinatown?

Ya, quit when there is less stress in your life.

Patricia said...

when my hubs quit, he did the patch and wellbutrin. and he chewed a LOT of gum. however, never, ever did i think his quitting would appear invisible to me, but it did.

it was the right combination of pharmaceutical assistance and his being ready.

ok so that part where i said i'd kick his ass if he didn't quit after i read that smoking affects fertility might've played a role, too.

just don't quit quitting!

Doug said...

Good luck to you and spouse, cuz I know he'll quit with you.

For some reinforcement, check this out, and look for other sources.

Chunks said...

I don't know how everyone has resisted flogging you!! I want to flog you so bad and I secretly think you want us to guilt you into quitting, why else would you tell us?

No I won't because why kick a man when he's down? Make your house smoke free. Seriously. Smoke outside only. Soon it will be winter, you will both quit, or run the risk of freezing off your nards. Then choose. Ciggies or nards? I bet I know what you'll pick!

Anonymous said...

Having quit for good 10 years ago, I know its important to pick a time thats comfortable for you to quit, but understand that there will always be potentially stressful situations lurking in the future that you can use to put off stopping. Don't worry about whether bubby quits or not--do whats right for you.

Anonymous said...

Awww. Snooze is right, your accomplishments far outweigh your failures. And Rox made me laugh helplessly. Nards win everytime.

Curtis said...

I found success with the step down nicotine patches. I'll keep a good thought for you!

dirk.mancuso said...

I've never smoked, but friends that have, have had some luck with hypnosis. One friend said that he wasn't told to stop cold turkey but to listen to his body and he would know when to quit. Then one day in May, July 22nd popped into his head during lunch and he knew that was the day.

13 months later he's still smoke free.

As for the self loathing during the adolescence, I hear ya. Except instead of cigs, I turned to food. And we all know how well mesh shirts and the chubby go together...

S said...

Isn't it difficult to keep up with an expensive addiction while trying to save for your new home?

Thank God I drink.

dantallion said...

Personally, I don't think the fact that spouse didn't quit is bullshit. Quitting is hard, and being surrounded by it a sure-fire way to fall back in to it. And 5 months is nothing to sneeze at to be sure. You'll get there, in your own time.

GayProf said...

Aren’t you the one who is always blogging about “thinking” outweighing emotions? Like not giving into the pain and all that? I am not saying, I am just sayin’.

Anonymous said...

being a smoker myself I HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. I have only just quit for 4 weeks now, it's hard as hell, but getting better. Again having someone around you doing it makes it that much harder, good luck to you!

as for Montreal, some of my friends are going there this weekend....if you meet up, I'm sending u a hug! Mitz xo

teh l4m3 said...

Good luck. Maybe third time will be the charm...

Anonymous said...

Torn, I have been a non smoker for over two years now and recently I spent some time around smokers.....Let's just say the phantom smells and the cravings I had for days after were shocking to me! It is so much easier to do in a smoke free environment for sure. Don't fret, you will do it later, when ready, and Chunks is right, save the nards!!!!LOL Devo

Polt said...

I'm not allowed to flog you? Is that the spouses job? OR do you flog yourself? :)

CoffeeDog said...

I struggle with the no smoking thing too. I am pretty good at cheating when I drink, then putting them down and not touching them till my next binge.

If you are going to smoke make sure you take good care of your body in other ways; take vitamins, extra calcium, and anti-oxidants. At least maybe some of the good stuff will cancel out the toxins (at least that's my justification when I feel guilty about smoking!)

r said...

--stifling my comments-- trying so hard--not to-- say-- what--I want--to--say--


(I certainly enjoyed being with the smoke-free you in Vegas.)

dpaste said...

I can't imagine how hard it must be to quit with a smoking spouse. That's like an alcoholic trying to give up drinking while living with another alcoholic.

OK, maybe that was a bit extreme, but you know where I'm coming from, right?

You obviously don't want to be a smoker or you wouldn't post about it. You'll quit when you are really ready. I'm rooting for you, too.

Anonymous said...

I have infinite compassion for you.

Interesting that your love for cigs has you reaping as much contempt as being gay. Says something about the anti-smoking campaign. Heartless people, those anti-smokers.

A Bear in the Woods said...

If you want, you'll quit when you're ready.
Boy, do I know the loathing song. I used to sing it to myself all the time. But quitting cigarettes won't make the 'rhoids go away. Liking yourself will.
Subject 3-Does French have a conditional future tense? as in I "would like" to, oh say, date your son?

The Persian said...

ugh I feel your pain buddy. Quitting smoking is incredibly hard. I've tried with minimal sucess a half dozen times in my life. The longest I made it was 6 months. My ex wouldn't quit, I ended up falling off the wagon. I don't blame him but still!

Much luck, I'm crossing my fingers for u.

:)

Bugsy said...

I just read an article in the paper about the amount of nicotine in cigarettes has increased by 20%. Making it that much more addictive.

Further, the beating yourself up and feeling like a failure only serve to make you feel worse and then smoke more.

I think you may know all this, but just in case you don't, I've said it.

Your situation makes it difficult to quit.

Instead of focusing on your failure, focus on your success. And when you want to smoke think of something else to do - clean, read, knit, something.

Good luck!

MIA said...

SMOKE EM IF YOU GOT EM>>> then never ever buy another pack. If you were not married I would flog you

Kalv1n said...

I don't think there's any reason to let it undermine your self-esteem. Also, I don't know why, but I've always thought of you as a smoker, and never thought it was a secret. I don't see why people should hide these sort of things personally. You'll do fine. And when you're ready, you'll quit. Maybe you could at least have spouse not do it in front of you.

My adventures said...

october 19th will be 2 years smoke free with a savings of over $6000... two packs a day... ugh and i feel so much better... good luck... my partner quit 3 months after me...

Lyvvie said...

Please don't buy black market cigarettes!! I know the temptation to have your smokes on the cheap is high - but they are poisonous! they have high levels of arsenic, cadium and lead and will only serve to kill you faster.

Just don't smoke. I know it's hard, I quit a few years ago and feel the urge all the time, every day. It's not called a monkey on you back for nothing. Just expect to always want one, and it makes the cravings a lot easier. My quitting trick is to suck on white tictacs while breathing deep the cold air from the freezer.