Directions for use: Apply freely morning and night and after each bowel movement. Lubricate applicator before each application and thoroughly cleanse after use.
First of all, freely isn't quite the concrete kind of word I would expect for "medication". I suppose it's something like "liberally" which I can get down with. If the BM is in the morning, does that also count as the morning application?
What the hell is an applicator? How do you lubricate it? (Oh wait, I learned that one in Brokeback Mountain. They must mean spit.) And is that so you don't have to use your own fingers? I think I'd rather just wash my hands after and do away with the whole "removing the excrement from and cleansing the applicator" part.
Shall I have spouse make a video of this?