Monday, July 18, 2005
More summer ranting
Sunday evening in the back yard. After the air
On a quest for a window box air conditioner yesterday, an unsuccessful quest incidentally*, I had to get on the bus for one of the legs of the journey. The heat has turned everyone into muttering, poor-postured stink factories. We file onto the bus and take a seat. The windows are open, but the heat is suffocating inside. At the next stop, more people get on, and as people brush past you, it is not a little tickle, it is more like a slide, as your sweat hooks up with theirs, gooey and greasy. A well dressed man chooses to hang onto the pole attached to your seat. There is such a jarring assault of odors, you (like me) put your face out the window. The man obviously has some perverted idea that deoderant is useless. His is a gag-inducing foulness. But wait, you detect something else, something even more sickening, yes, he has the most nauseating garlic breath imaginable mixed with something like rotting teeth. He had run to catch the bus, and he stands next to you, his exhalations blowing directly onto your head. You are trapped. You feel your gag reflex gear up with every breath. You begin to breathe through your mouth, and consider getting off the bus and waiting for the next one. You are panicked.
The stench gauntlet was what it was. I'm trying not to be overly critical, but when you notice the sheen of oily sweat coating your body, it might be time for an armpit check, nay, refreshening. Especially if public transportation figures in your plans. Otherwise, and I say this with love, stay the fuck home.
* You would think that in our perfect capitalist society that you would be able to procure an appliance at will. You would be wrong. You would also discover that advertisements are made to lure you into a store to buy a product only to find that they don't have the product. You might be offered a raincheck for when the next shipment comes in in August, and this might make you cranky and wont to tantrums (like informing the salesman that they have an idiot in the ordering department).
All I can say is shove your "sorry" up your ass.
We bought a second fan instead. We have a lot of hot air blowing around the house.
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I find that gagging into one's lace hanky while pointing to the offending gentleman's direction seems to help. Give it a try and report back.
"The stench gauntlet" I like that. I might have to steal it. Kinda like when I have to teach 5th period after lunch, and the boys haven't discovered bathing every day, but they have discovered "Axxe." It is a horrific "male body spray" that closes up windpipes near and far with the fear of vomit.
I think the boys buy it by the gallon on ebay.
I'm sorry you didn't get an air conditioner. I like air conditioners.
God. Your writing is skillful enough that I wish you wouldn't memorialize such experiences. Sir, you have painted me a picture, and I resent you for it!
We had a condo in Montreal for fourteen years. It was on Logan, between Panet and Plessis (the cruisiest block in the known universe). We had a large noisy air conditioner. I think we turned it on only once. The Montreal winters were so cold, we tried to store up as much summer heat as our bodies would hold.
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